This is the original post I wrote, it flooded out in maybe 10-15 minutes time. A day later I re-read it and decided that I needed to explore much more deeply in order to really discover what I was feeling. You've read all of that in the last four posts, but this post says some different things and even though it repeats a few things in the other posts, it has great merit on its own.
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In her discussions of the artist's statement, Luann Udell asks "What is the story only you can tell" and I frankly have no idea. It's a combination of feeling like whatever I have to say has probably been said before by someone else, and not knowing what I have to say that is relevant or even matters to anyone else.
I'm one of those artists whose statement sounds like "I've always drawn, I love color, it's so much fun!" and there's nothing in that to connect to, to make anyone feel anything other than boredom. I don't want my "story" to be about technique and credentials either, both because I'm not trained by anyone or any school and though I've won awards and taught classes, I don't feel that creates an emotional connection to my work.
It doesn't at all express my emotional connection to my work.
I want people to have a reaction to my work, I want it to excite their emotions, remind them of dreams, take them to another frame of mind that is outside the realm of average, everyday, human life. I want to do this for other people because that place is where my art takes me. That other place is where my art comes from.
I've read a lot about spirituality, near death experiences, religion, myth, fantasy, science, beliefs... if it has anything to do with that place I've probably looked it up at least once. In all of my reading, I've come to understand something...
That place as I call it, I think it is our soul that we are trying to reach, to connect to... to feel. It's elusive and ethereal, the stuff of dreams and fantasy, but it's also a very real and common experience among most people. Different things take us there, it may be in church, or while performing a ritual, it may be walking into an ancient place like stonehenge or the pyramids, it may be that split second at the top of a rollercoaster when you are looking way, way, way down and starting to free fall. The feeling of flight, the feeling of love, the feeling of that perfect moment when something you've been secretly wishing for happens and you feel the fireworks in your heart.
It is that ultimately miniscule and fleeting moment that I'm trying to capture in my work. It is that moment I am trying to give to people who experience my work.
Luann's work gives me this feeling, and it is the combination of her work and the story of her work that takes me to that awe-inspiring place in my heart. Every now and then, I feel like those horses, wanting to run free again... I feel like those fish, frozen eternally in stone, missing my oceans. The feeling comes despite my logical, rational knowledge that I'm not physically old enough to know those things or have those feelings of being ancient... and yet I do. I think we all do, whether we realize it or not.
It's a beautiful feeling, and in my opinion it is one of the highest of human experiences... many people, many artists, have given me this experience, and I want to share it.
That's what I need help with... or rather encouragement. I've kept this blog deliberately seperate from my life and from my art website. This blog is my story, the story behind my work, especially my more recent work, and I've been keeping it hidden because ...well... I'm scared. I'm afraid to break down the barrier between the person I've been taught I was supposed to be (which included mainstream Christianity) and the person I know I am.
The irony for me is that on this very blog I have repeatedly expressed that it is ok to be the person you are, no matter what other people may think. It is ok to let the people who don't agree leave your life. It is ok that not everyone will agree with you... or even that most people won't agree with you. It is ok because of the people who do agree with you. That experience is so powerful for both of the people involved that it is worth it. It is worth everything.
There's nothing in this world that is worth more than spending a split second in that place. Communing with your soul, having those feelings wash over that are a gift from your soul, because it wants you to be in this place.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Soul Searching pt 4
After everything that I have thought about and realized, I now know that I have to take the next step, or risk becoming as hollow as I saw my art to be. You see, when a person denies themselves for too long, they shut down. They lose the light, they close their eyes, and they become a shadow. I think that I've seen it happen...
I know someone who was once bright, brilliant even, bubbly and happy, kind and compassionate. They had suffered through a childhood filled with discouragement but seemed to have put that aside, for a while. Despite their own self doubt, this person tried. They had something to work for, something they wanted to achieve, a purpose. And then, they hit a brick wall. Challenges came their way, and darkness, and it produced fear and uncertainty. The moment came where they could choose to flower or choose to stay closed, to face the challenges head on no matter what they might bring, or to reduce themselves to clinging to anything solid they could grab a hold of. They chose to cling, to hide from the fear and the change, to button themselves up and shut themselves off from reality, society, ... me. It was a slow change, this doesn't happen overnight. But in time, they were nothing like they had been. Just a shadow, a desperate shadow defined by the fear that had changed them, clinging to any kind of security they could find and ultimately drowning themselves in it.
When all of this started for me, I didn't know what was going on. In time I realized that this is a test... a challenge... it's like putting on pressure and heat to harden steel. You can either run from the furnace, or you can choose to pass through it. I became determined that no matter what came my way I was going to pass through. I would let go of EVERYTHING I had ever clung to, give it up and let it go. I will eradicate my possessions, my job, my home, my money, my security, my identity, I'll get rid of everything I thought defined me in order to actually find me. In this process, I've moved along until I hit upon the biggest and hardest thing there is...
Letting go and opening up the curtain. Letting the light in, letting people see me for who I really am, who I've always been, who I long to be. The biggest part of doing this is to remove the divide between my "personalities". The art becomes one with the words, the face becomes one with the name, it's no longer pieces of me strewn about, it is all of me and it is only me. That is how it has to be, not listening to worries or fears about what people will think, if they'll reject me or my art because of why I created it or what I believe, if they'll be angry or hurt, fearful or dissonant.
I'm going to re-do everything. I'm going to pull it all together...
I'm just going to be myself.
Next: the original post that became this multi-day tirade :)
I know someone who was once bright, brilliant even, bubbly and happy, kind and compassionate. They had suffered through a childhood filled with discouragement but seemed to have put that aside, for a while. Despite their own self doubt, this person tried. They had something to work for, something they wanted to achieve, a purpose. And then, they hit a brick wall. Challenges came their way, and darkness, and it produced fear and uncertainty. The moment came where they could choose to flower or choose to stay closed, to face the challenges head on no matter what they might bring, or to reduce themselves to clinging to anything solid they could grab a hold of. They chose to cling, to hide from the fear and the change, to button themselves up and shut themselves off from reality, society, ... me. It was a slow change, this doesn't happen overnight. But in time, they were nothing like they had been. Just a shadow, a desperate shadow defined by the fear that had changed them, clinging to any kind of security they could find and ultimately drowning themselves in it.
When all of this started for me, I didn't know what was going on. In time I realized that this is a test... a challenge... it's like putting on pressure and heat to harden steel. You can either run from the furnace, or you can choose to pass through it. I became determined that no matter what came my way I was going to pass through. I would let go of EVERYTHING I had ever clung to, give it up and let it go. I will eradicate my possessions, my job, my home, my money, my security, my identity, I'll get rid of everything I thought defined me in order to actually find me. In this process, I've moved along until I hit upon the biggest and hardest thing there is...
Letting go and opening up the curtain. Letting the light in, letting people see me for who I really am, who I've always been, who I long to be. The biggest part of doing this is to remove the divide between my "personalities". The art becomes one with the words, the face becomes one with the name, it's no longer pieces of me strewn about, it is all of me and it is only me. That is how it has to be, not listening to worries or fears about what people will think, if they'll reject me or my art because of why I created it or what I believe, if they'll be angry or hurt, fearful or dissonant.
I'm going to re-do everything. I'm going to pull it all together...
I'm just going to be myself.
Next: the original post that became this multi-day tirade :)
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Soul Searching pt 3
I've never been afraid of art or of creating new things. Putting my ideas and visions on paper or canvas is nothing short of bliss for me, and I'm more concerned about doing something that HAS been done before than things that haven't. Art has been the leading edge of my life, in that it is the one place I've never been afraid to stand out. I've never worried if it's too different, or too unique, or not what people expect or want. There's always been an understanding in my heart that what I create doesn't really have to conform to anything at all and it will always be better if it doesn't.
It's easy for me to create a piece of artwork based on my innermost beliefs, feelings and thoughts, and not worry what people will think of it... what isn't easy is explaining the feelings behind the artwork. That is what scares me. I can put things into images that I can't seem to put into words. Perhaps it's because my upbringing was pretty rigid on beliefs about God and religion, and my art disagrees with those beliefs. My art comes from a place in my heart that disagrees with a lot of religious beliefs.
And, honestly, it's not the ideas religions are built on that I disagree with. It's the rigidity, the dogma, the lack of understanding, the need to be the one that is right. My work expresses something thats free, fluid, changing, emotional and ethereal. At least that's what is in my heart when I create it.
And yet, I am afraid to share that fully. The reasons are numerous, and the biggest of them all is my upbringing. Those family ties are still there, and they still have their beliefs. They are quick to judge anything outside those beliefs as evil and wrong, probably because of their own fears.
Maybe that is my goal, the one I've been dancing around for years, just on the tip of my tongue, spoken yet unspoken.
I want to release people from the fear. It's why I write, it's why I paint, it may be the very reason I breathe.
The fear of doing what you were meant to do in life, your very purpose for being alive - it was on the original list of deadly sins, and was called Acedia. Over time and translation that meaning got lost, and today it's meaning is somewhat split between vanity and sloth. Vanity carries with it a whisper of that original meaning... why are people vain? Because what they are protecting, in their vanity, is a mask. A thing they carry on their body, in their hearts, in their minds, to keep people from seeing things within them that are not so beautiful. Why are people slothful? Because the effort to try is greater than the pain of never trying at all.
Of the "seven" deadly sins some can be paired or even appear as triplets, because several of them are facets of each other, of a greater idea.
Gluttony, greed, lust, envy - all of these relate to the desire to posess. Whether it is flesh or money, something you have or something you don't have, the ultimate flavor of them is the same.
Pride, Acedia, Vanity, Wrath - Each is a facet of an idea of self. They each come from the fear of you or something you've done not being good enough, or better than someone else. It is the need to be the best, the most favored, the one that everyone loves that drives these four sins. Pride, rage and vanity are the masks, they are used to hide what one thinks is wrong with them. One strikes out with anger rather than see their own errors. One hides behind beauty or talent to avoid looking at the unbeautiful or the talentless parts of themselves. One has pride in what they do right so that perhaps what they do wrong will be less noticed.
Then there is Acedia. It is a most different idea from its three bretheren, and yet it is the most insidious of them all. Having a purpose, a talent, a gift and squashing it because you're afraid of failing, or doing something wrong... or even afraid of doing something amazingly good. Being afraid of letting your light shine because you don't want to be too different.
Perhaps... even being different in ways that feel safe and not in ways that feel open and risky. I'm guilty of this.
I've kept this blog far from my art website. I've seperated them, considered them to be two halves of myself, one which I share with everyone and one which is more anonymous. One that is safe from the people in my life that I think would judge me.
I've kept the feelings I express here, the very feelings that drive my artwork a secret, and hidden. I've made my art stand alone without support. Images that are pretty but without any meaning given to them. Art like that becomes hollow, without soul. It's like looking at a rainbow in black and white.
I'm probably being overly dramatic about it, but my point is that while my art can stand on it's own just fine, but once you realize all that is behind it, the art alone becomes a shadow by comparison.
Tomorrow: what I have to do
It's easy for me to create a piece of artwork based on my innermost beliefs, feelings and thoughts, and not worry what people will think of it... what isn't easy is explaining the feelings behind the artwork. That is what scares me. I can put things into images that I can't seem to put into words. Perhaps it's because my upbringing was pretty rigid on beliefs about God and religion, and my art disagrees with those beliefs. My art comes from a place in my heart that disagrees with a lot of religious beliefs.
And, honestly, it's not the ideas religions are built on that I disagree with. It's the rigidity, the dogma, the lack of understanding, the need to be the one that is right. My work expresses something thats free, fluid, changing, emotional and ethereal. At least that's what is in my heart when I create it.
And yet, I am afraid to share that fully. The reasons are numerous, and the biggest of them all is my upbringing. Those family ties are still there, and they still have their beliefs. They are quick to judge anything outside those beliefs as evil and wrong, probably because of their own fears.
Maybe that is my goal, the one I've been dancing around for years, just on the tip of my tongue, spoken yet unspoken.
I want to release people from the fear. It's why I write, it's why I paint, it may be the very reason I breathe.
The fear of doing what you were meant to do in life, your very purpose for being alive - it was on the original list of deadly sins, and was called Acedia. Over time and translation that meaning got lost, and today it's meaning is somewhat split between vanity and sloth. Vanity carries with it a whisper of that original meaning... why are people vain? Because what they are protecting, in their vanity, is a mask. A thing they carry on their body, in their hearts, in their minds, to keep people from seeing things within them that are not so beautiful. Why are people slothful? Because the effort to try is greater than the pain of never trying at all.
Of the "seven" deadly sins some can be paired or even appear as triplets, because several of them are facets of each other, of a greater idea.
Gluttony, greed, lust, envy - all of these relate to the desire to posess. Whether it is flesh or money, something you have or something you don't have, the ultimate flavor of them is the same.
Pride, Acedia, Vanity, Wrath - Each is a facet of an idea of self. They each come from the fear of you or something you've done not being good enough, or better than someone else. It is the need to be the best, the most favored, the one that everyone loves that drives these four sins. Pride, rage and vanity are the masks, they are used to hide what one thinks is wrong with them. One strikes out with anger rather than see their own errors. One hides behind beauty or talent to avoid looking at the unbeautiful or the talentless parts of themselves. One has pride in what they do right so that perhaps what they do wrong will be less noticed.
Then there is Acedia. It is a most different idea from its three bretheren, and yet it is the most insidious of them all. Having a purpose, a talent, a gift and squashing it because you're afraid of failing, or doing something wrong... or even afraid of doing something amazingly good. Being afraid of letting your light shine because you don't want to be too different.
Perhaps... even being different in ways that feel safe and not in ways that feel open and risky. I'm guilty of this.
I've kept this blog far from my art website. I've seperated them, considered them to be two halves of myself, one which I share with everyone and one which is more anonymous. One that is safe from the people in my life that I think would judge me.
I've kept the feelings I express here, the very feelings that drive my artwork a secret, and hidden. I've made my art stand alone without support. Images that are pretty but without any meaning given to them. Art like that becomes hollow, without soul. It's like looking at a rainbow in black and white.
I'm probably being overly dramatic about it, but my point is that while my art can stand on it's own just fine, but once you realize all that is behind it, the art alone becomes a shadow by comparison.
Tomorrow: what I have to do
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Soul Searching pt 2
I've been putting a lot of thought into the meaning behind my art. This is mostly because of reading Luann Udell's blog (http://luannudell.wordpress.com) about her art. She has put a lot of time and thought into self discovery and writing, finding her way from making art "to make people happy" to a place where her art is not only a powerful force in her own life but a powerful force in anyone's life who reads and connects with her story. I'm incredibly moved when I read what she has to say about why she does what she does. Time and space are things that we all struggle against in our own ways throughout life, and she has a way of creating art that feels like it transcends time... that transcendence is something that I think we all want, deep down.
Her story moves me nearly to tears. It touches my heart, it makes me feel so incredible when I look at her tiny horses... almost as if I can see them running free. Thinking about her fish who are grumpy because they miss their oceans brings so much imagery and inspiration into my heart, artistically and spiritually.
Reading all that she has to say has me thinking about my own art, thinking quite hard. It's been on my mind almost constantly for months now, but I feel that I'm not much closer to an answer than I was before.
Why do I do what I do?
I have theories, but it's kind of weird to have something that's only a theory when it involves your own heart and mind. It feels like I should know, in a factual sense, but I don't. I feel kind of clueless.
I know that I draw because it makes me happy, I know that I feel better when I do it and that it is very calming and soothing for me. I know that what I draw are things I find beautiful... but doesn't every artist do that? I know that I take what I do for granted... I forget that not everyone can sit down and sketch what's in their head and have it actually look like what they were thinking. I should know this... I've played Pictionary enough in my life. I forget that what comes so easy and natural for me doesn't for everyone else.
I have taught art classes to kids ranging in ages from five to twenty, and there was a lot of lessons there for me. The younger kids usually weren't afraid to try and make something, they had a freedom in their will to create because they hadn't yet reached the point in their life where they had not yet placed other people's opinions of their abilities ahead of their desire to create. I think there is also a factor in the common tendancy of adults to say, universally, that they think anything a kid has made is great. We don't have the same expectations of children as we do of adults, and I think that is something that hurts us as we age. Being judged more and more harshly just because of growing up (or being grown up) can prevent us from pursuing new things.
With the teens and young adults, if they didn't already have any interest in drawing the students were very hesitant to even try to draw. There was a lot of fear about what people would think of what they'd drawn, and fear that it would come out horrible so they didn't even want to try. This idea goes far beyond art, it carries through in everything that we do. So many times we come to something new and we don't try because we are afraid of failing. No matter what we think that failure could bring (from personal disappointment to peer disappointment to authoritative disappointment) it is more than we're willing to face.
Another thing I noticed was that students of all ages had a strong tendancy to just dupilicate whatever the example project was. If it was a clay tile in a star shape, at least 1/3 of the class would make a clay tile in a star shape. If the example was a drawing of a chair (with the option to draw anything they wanted), at least 1/3 of the class would draw a chair. Every class had one or more students that would sit and kind of stare at their un-finished project, then notice what someone else was doing and end up doing something similar.
Humans look to each other to know what we should be doing. This is one of those traits that has been bred into us through evolution - those who follow the leader lived longer lives and were able to produce more offspring. This is a trait that is also common in the animal world, seen both in how babies watch their parents to learn and also in pack behavior amongst canines, felines, and the like. Birds deer, and others listen to and watch each other for signals that danger is coming or if it's safe to focus on foraging for food or drinking water, letting their guard down a little. In us, it is reflected in our social system. We look to others for guidance, for the "right way", to follow their lead so that we'll fit in. This can be as simple as wearing what is popular to the complexity of the relationship dynamics.
We are, essentially, bred and raised to not trust our own instincts. We grow up learning not to be true to ourselves because it opens up doors to painful experiences. The flip side of the coins is that those doors open us to incredibly beautiful experiences as well, but it is normal to play it safe.
Every time in my class, when introducing a project, we'd ask the students to come up with an idea by brainstorming in their notebook/journals. And every time, many would stare at a blank page, frozen in uncertainty over what they should do. Some students tried to feel us out for suggestions on what to do, others flat out expected us to tell them what they should do. We explained how the project was about them and therefore needed to come from their own hearts, but there was a whole lot of resistance to this idea. It's sad that when we are given the creative freedom to do anything we want to do, we freeze. It happens to most of us at one point or another, in many different situations.
We're afraid of freedom. This is because we're afraid that what we choose when we have the freedom to choose could be wrong. We've grown into adults who are afraid to do the wrong thing. We're afraid of making mistakes, hurting ourselves or others, or being laughed at. Most people are far more comfortable working on something creatively as long as they are given a definite direction in which to take the project.
An example would be that you can paint any kind of dog you want, but it has to be a dog. It's easy to be given something so specific and it's fun to then choose the breed of dog that you like the most. Within those boundaries, you can then enjoy the smaller piece of freedom you're given. You don't have to decide anything other than the breed of dog and how to paint it, and it's much easier to rationalize and defend those smaller decisions. It's hard to explain why of all the things in the world, you decided to paint a bench. There's just too much possibility, and too many questions you may not yourself be able to answer.
Being given slack on your leash is far more comfortable than being completely unleashed.
Tomorrow, we'll talk about what societal standards I have been afraid of, and why.
Her story moves me nearly to tears. It touches my heart, it makes me feel so incredible when I look at her tiny horses... almost as if I can see them running free. Thinking about her fish who are grumpy because they miss their oceans brings so much imagery and inspiration into my heart, artistically and spiritually.
Reading all that she has to say has me thinking about my own art, thinking quite hard. It's been on my mind almost constantly for months now, but I feel that I'm not much closer to an answer than I was before.
Why do I do what I do?
I have theories, but it's kind of weird to have something that's only a theory when it involves your own heart and mind. It feels like I should know, in a factual sense, but I don't. I feel kind of clueless.
I know that I draw because it makes me happy, I know that I feel better when I do it and that it is very calming and soothing for me. I know that what I draw are things I find beautiful... but doesn't every artist do that? I know that I take what I do for granted... I forget that not everyone can sit down and sketch what's in their head and have it actually look like what they were thinking. I should know this... I've played Pictionary enough in my life. I forget that what comes so easy and natural for me doesn't for everyone else.
I have taught art classes to kids ranging in ages from five to twenty, and there was a lot of lessons there for me. The younger kids usually weren't afraid to try and make something, they had a freedom in their will to create because they hadn't yet reached the point in their life where they had not yet placed other people's opinions of their abilities ahead of their desire to create. I think there is also a factor in the common tendancy of adults to say, universally, that they think anything a kid has made is great. We don't have the same expectations of children as we do of adults, and I think that is something that hurts us as we age. Being judged more and more harshly just because of growing up (or being grown up) can prevent us from pursuing new things.
With the teens and young adults, if they didn't already have any interest in drawing the students were very hesitant to even try to draw. There was a lot of fear about what people would think of what they'd drawn, and fear that it would come out horrible so they didn't even want to try. This idea goes far beyond art, it carries through in everything that we do. So many times we come to something new and we don't try because we are afraid of failing. No matter what we think that failure could bring (from personal disappointment to peer disappointment to authoritative disappointment) it is more than we're willing to face.
Another thing I noticed was that students of all ages had a strong tendancy to just dupilicate whatever the example project was. If it was a clay tile in a star shape, at least 1/3 of the class would make a clay tile in a star shape. If the example was a drawing of a chair (with the option to draw anything they wanted), at least 1/3 of the class would draw a chair. Every class had one or more students that would sit and kind of stare at their un-finished project, then notice what someone else was doing and end up doing something similar.
Humans look to each other to know what we should be doing. This is one of those traits that has been bred into us through evolution - those who follow the leader lived longer lives and were able to produce more offspring. This is a trait that is also common in the animal world, seen both in how babies watch their parents to learn and also in pack behavior amongst canines, felines, and the like. Birds deer, and others listen to and watch each other for signals that danger is coming or if it's safe to focus on foraging for food or drinking water, letting their guard down a little. In us, it is reflected in our social system. We look to others for guidance, for the "right way", to follow their lead so that we'll fit in. This can be as simple as wearing what is popular to the complexity of the relationship dynamics.
We are, essentially, bred and raised to not trust our own instincts. We grow up learning not to be true to ourselves because it opens up doors to painful experiences. The flip side of the coins is that those doors open us to incredibly beautiful experiences as well, but it is normal to play it safe.
Every time in my class, when introducing a project, we'd ask the students to come up with an idea by brainstorming in their notebook/journals. And every time, many would stare at a blank page, frozen in uncertainty over what they should do. Some students tried to feel us out for suggestions on what to do, others flat out expected us to tell them what they should do. We explained how the project was about them and therefore needed to come from their own hearts, but there was a whole lot of resistance to this idea. It's sad that when we are given the creative freedom to do anything we want to do, we freeze. It happens to most of us at one point or another, in many different situations.
We're afraid of freedom. This is because we're afraid that what we choose when we have the freedom to choose could be wrong. We've grown into adults who are afraid to do the wrong thing. We're afraid of making mistakes, hurting ourselves or others, or being laughed at. Most people are far more comfortable working on something creatively as long as they are given a definite direction in which to take the project.
An example would be that you can paint any kind of dog you want, but it has to be a dog. It's easy to be given something so specific and it's fun to then choose the breed of dog that you like the most. Within those boundaries, you can then enjoy the smaller piece of freedom you're given. You don't have to decide anything other than the breed of dog and how to paint it, and it's much easier to rationalize and defend those smaller decisions. It's hard to explain why of all the things in the world, you decided to paint a bench. There's just too much possibility, and too many questions you may not yourself be able to answer.
Being given slack on your leash is far more comfortable than being completely unleashed.
Tomorrow, we'll talk about what societal standards I have been afraid of, and why.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Soul Searching pt 1
I frequently speak about methods of self discovery and understanding, and the importance of doing so, but I'm guilty of not doing this enough myself... or not listening enough to what I hear from my inner dialogue.
My own journey is one that has been one of duality and confusion. Over the last few years a lot of change has been foisted upon me, and while I generally welcome change it has lead to a lot of uncertainty about who I am and what exactly it is I want. One thing has always been clear: my need to create is paramount. My need to have that creation shared with others, possibly even understood, is just as important. Along side that there has been a whole lot of fear, fear of stepping completely outside the lines and going my own way. A lot of this comes from my upbringing. It was stressed and reinforced throughout my youth that there are certain expectations I had to meet. I was supposed to be someone that I cannot be. I'm not grounded, I'm not responsible, I'm not consistent, sometimes I feel like I'm not even sane! I am very logical but my actions seem very illogical at times. I don't think inside the box or outside the box, I think like there is no box and there's no point to having a box. I don't make sense to many people, and oftentimes my expression of what I'm feeling leaves people with blank stares and confused looks. Not to say that others don't support me as I am, but that they just can't wrap their heads around me. There are those that are also rather judgemental and not at all tolerant of me too. I have the internet to thank for letting me talk to people who are like me. Lots of them. Or even to read the thoughts of people I've never met or spoken to, but who have a similar outlook. It's helped me a lot to know I'm not alone in my "insanity".
It's for that reason that I know I have to talk about this publicly. It is my hope that perhaps someday, someone will stumble upon this and realize that they, too, are not alone. At the very least, it helps me because I get to say things that have been weighing heavily on my heart all of my life.
I've said some of it before. Some I haven't. This is probably going to take several posts, just so that it isn't a single post the size of a small novel.
In everything that I have to say, the most important is this:
I no longer care who hears me. I cannot apologize for what I think or feel, and I cannot apologize if it offends anyone. This is real, to me, and that is all that I have. I think that most people who read this wouldn't find it offensive at all. Maybe you won't even find it interesting. Frankly, it is the people closest to me that I think of when I worry about the reactions to what I have to say. I doubt they'll ever see this, but I've held back from speaking what is in my heart and merging the aspects of my personality and online presence just in case.
Trust me, it's no way to live. I think that a lot of people live like this too, one way or another. We keep a part of ourselves locked up because there's a possibility that this most secret part of ourselves could be laughed at or criticized or ostracized... and that is a scary thing to face. What I've learned, however, is that unleashing that part of ourselves and letting it out into the light can form some of the most amazing human connections possible, and that the benefits will always outweigh the risk in the long run.
Tomorrow, we'll get into the personal stuff. My personal stuff.
My own journey is one that has been one of duality and confusion. Over the last few years a lot of change has been foisted upon me, and while I generally welcome change it has lead to a lot of uncertainty about who I am and what exactly it is I want. One thing has always been clear: my need to create is paramount. My need to have that creation shared with others, possibly even understood, is just as important. Along side that there has been a whole lot of fear, fear of stepping completely outside the lines and going my own way. A lot of this comes from my upbringing. It was stressed and reinforced throughout my youth that there are certain expectations I had to meet. I was supposed to be someone that I cannot be. I'm not grounded, I'm not responsible, I'm not consistent, sometimes I feel like I'm not even sane! I am very logical but my actions seem very illogical at times. I don't think inside the box or outside the box, I think like there is no box and there's no point to having a box. I don't make sense to many people, and oftentimes my expression of what I'm feeling leaves people with blank stares and confused looks. Not to say that others don't support me as I am, but that they just can't wrap their heads around me. There are those that are also rather judgemental and not at all tolerant of me too. I have the internet to thank for letting me talk to people who are like me. Lots of them. Or even to read the thoughts of people I've never met or spoken to, but who have a similar outlook. It's helped me a lot to know I'm not alone in my "insanity".
It's for that reason that I know I have to talk about this publicly. It is my hope that perhaps someday, someone will stumble upon this and realize that they, too, are not alone. At the very least, it helps me because I get to say things that have been weighing heavily on my heart all of my life.
I've said some of it before. Some I haven't. This is probably going to take several posts, just so that it isn't a single post the size of a small novel.
In everything that I have to say, the most important is this:
I no longer care who hears me. I cannot apologize for what I think or feel, and I cannot apologize if it offends anyone. This is real, to me, and that is all that I have. I think that most people who read this wouldn't find it offensive at all. Maybe you won't even find it interesting. Frankly, it is the people closest to me that I think of when I worry about the reactions to what I have to say. I doubt they'll ever see this, but I've held back from speaking what is in my heart and merging the aspects of my personality and online presence just in case.
Trust me, it's no way to live. I think that a lot of people live like this too, one way or another. We keep a part of ourselves locked up because there's a possibility that this most secret part of ourselves could be laughed at or criticized or ostracized... and that is a scary thing to face. What I've learned, however, is that unleashing that part of ourselves and letting it out into the light can form some of the most amazing human connections possible, and that the benefits will always outweigh the risk in the long run.
Tomorrow, we'll get into the personal stuff. My personal stuff.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Chakra Test & Meditation Game
Out of curiosity I took a chakra test as I noticed I've been feeling pretty unbalanced and ungrounded lately. Results:
Root: under-active (-44%)
Sacral: open (12%)
Navel: under-active (-38%)
Heart: open (12%)
Throat: open (56%)
Third Eye: open (44%)
Crown: open (50%)
I've clearly been living in my head entirely too much lately, and basically ignoring everything else. I also feel like I need constant mental stimulation which is probably because my upper 3 are considerably more open than the rest.
It looks like I have some balancing to do!
In other news, I'm going to be trying out the "meditation" game that was partially developed by Deepak Chopra. I'm not a 100% fan of his, but the game looks quite interesting and I think that it could be useful and a relaxing experience. I'll probably post a review here after I get it, probably after the holidays.
I'd really like to see more things like this. One one hand I fully understand that genuine and deep meditation will not be achieved with any type of video, game or product, but on the other hand I think that it could potentially be a useful gateway for those who are either not looking for deep mediation (at that time) or who are quite new to the idea of mediation and can't imagine sitting still and concentrating for even five minutes to start with.
At the moment (and this probably has something to do with those unbalanced chakras), I'm in that very last group. I can zone out, but sitting down to do a focused meditation feels outside the realm of my capabilities right now. Perhaps the game will be useful in balancing?
Hopefully I can post a review by the end of January.
Till next time!
Root: under-active (-44%)
Sacral: open (12%)
Navel: under-active (-38%)
Heart: open (12%)
Throat: open (56%)
Third Eye: open (44%)
Crown: open (50%)
I've clearly been living in my head entirely too much lately, and basically ignoring everything else. I also feel like I need constant mental stimulation which is probably because my upper 3 are considerably more open than the rest.
It looks like I have some balancing to do!
In other news, I'm going to be trying out the "meditation" game that was partially developed by Deepak Chopra. I'm not a 100% fan of his, but the game looks quite interesting and I think that it could be useful and a relaxing experience. I'll probably post a review here after I get it, probably after the holidays.
I'd really like to see more things like this. One one hand I fully understand that genuine and deep meditation will not be achieved with any type of video, game or product, but on the other hand I think that it could potentially be a useful gateway for those who are either not looking for deep mediation (at that time) or who are quite new to the idea of mediation and can't imagine sitting still and concentrating for even five minutes to start with.
At the moment (and this probably has something to do with those unbalanced chakras), I'm in that very last group. I can zone out, but sitting down to do a focused meditation feels outside the realm of my capabilities right now. Perhaps the game will be useful in balancing?
Hopefully I can post a review by the end of January.
Till next time!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Honesty
Honesty... another one of those words used daily and yet understood very little.
It goes beyond simply telling the truth. There are a whole lot of dishonest things we do, whether out of malice or kindness that aren't lies per se, but they still aren't honest.
Take, for example, something I touched on in my last post. I mentioned how we shouldn't buy gifts out of duty for people who don't really need them anyway. We think of it as a "nice" thing to do, or even something that we're supposed to do, and we rarely take a step back to realize that the action is dishonest.
Say you have a relative who you've never been close to. You see them at all the major family gatherings including Christmas, and the two of you exchange little gifts as you do with everyone else there. If I told you to stop getting a gift for that person, the understandable reaction is to think it's rude. But think about it like this - you never talk to that person any other time of the year, you probably forget their existence most of the year, and you don't share any special memories or feelings with this person. Your only real connection to them is through family and even at that, the connection is likely not all that close.
Why do we give gifts? It comes from ancient practices of congregations giving gifts to their leaders or priests (even to God as offerings). The giving of a gift is meant to show that you find the recipient to be tremendously important to you.
Therefore, giving a gift to someone you barely know, don't think about and may not even like all that much is dishonest.
This is just food for thought, as is often the case in my writing. It is healthy to question the things we take for granted in life and to give ourselves the freedom to be someone or something other than what we've always been told we have to be. Most of what we've learned in life we've learned by example. Our habits come from what we've seen rather than what we really want. We end up unhappy and unable to understand what is causing our unhappiness. Taking the time to re-examine the habits and traditions of our lives can help us to understand where the odd and unfathomable discontent is coming from.
Dishonesty is a source for the discontent we experience. Deep down we know that an action is not true to the core of who we are and what we want, and yet because of circumstance, duty, perceived need, laws, etc, we proceed anyway. Then we suffer a pain that seems unrelated and do not understand its source is actually that we are being dishonest with ourselves about what we really want.
Most of us suffer this discontent, and almost no one knows how to dissolve it out of their lives.
Next time you go to do something and find yourself procrastinating, dreading, or avoiding the situation, take some time and consider whether what you are about to do is in fact true to you. If not, consider finding another way to handle the situation that is right for you. Everything is a learning process, and with patience and persistence, you can change your thinking to be more true to yourself in time.
It goes beyond simply telling the truth. There are a whole lot of dishonest things we do, whether out of malice or kindness that aren't lies per se, but they still aren't honest.
Take, for example, something I touched on in my last post. I mentioned how we shouldn't buy gifts out of duty for people who don't really need them anyway. We think of it as a "nice" thing to do, or even something that we're supposed to do, and we rarely take a step back to realize that the action is dishonest.
Say you have a relative who you've never been close to. You see them at all the major family gatherings including Christmas, and the two of you exchange little gifts as you do with everyone else there. If I told you to stop getting a gift for that person, the understandable reaction is to think it's rude. But think about it like this - you never talk to that person any other time of the year, you probably forget their existence most of the year, and you don't share any special memories or feelings with this person. Your only real connection to them is through family and even at that, the connection is likely not all that close.
Why do we give gifts? It comes from ancient practices of congregations giving gifts to their leaders or priests (even to God as offerings). The giving of a gift is meant to show that you find the recipient to be tremendously important to you.
Therefore, giving a gift to someone you barely know, don't think about and may not even like all that much is dishonest.
This is just food for thought, as is often the case in my writing. It is healthy to question the things we take for granted in life and to give ourselves the freedom to be someone or something other than what we've always been told we have to be. Most of what we've learned in life we've learned by example. Our habits come from what we've seen rather than what we really want. We end up unhappy and unable to understand what is causing our unhappiness. Taking the time to re-examine the habits and traditions of our lives can help us to understand where the odd and unfathomable discontent is coming from.
Dishonesty is a source for the discontent we experience. Deep down we know that an action is not true to the core of who we are and what we want, and yet because of circumstance, duty, perceived need, laws, etc, we proceed anyway. Then we suffer a pain that seems unrelated and do not understand its source is actually that we are being dishonest with ourselves about what we really want.
Most of us suffer this discontent, and almost no one knows how to dissolve it out of their lives.
Next time you go to do something and find yourself procrastinating, dreading, or avoiding the situation, take some time and consider whether what you are about to do is in fact true to you. If not, consider finding another way to handle the situation that is right for you. Everything is a learning process, and with patience and persistence, you can change your thinking to be more true to yourself in time.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Holiday Thoughts
Years ago, I began to observe the holidays with little participation. Up until then, I was fairly typical, excited to get gifts, excited to give them, suffering from great disappointment when someone showed little care, and ultimately feeling depressed after the holidays because the exciting time was over and it was back to the mundane for a whole year.
I think it started when I realized that all the people who gave me gifts did so out of duty rather than out of care. I realized that not receiving gifts would be better than receiving half hearted gifts, so I chose to remove myself from the process as much as possible.
A turning point was a gift I had requested one year after several years of not wanting anything specific (and being given money). I had asked for a very specific item and I was really excited to be able to use it... ideally the same day as received. The day came for presents to be exchanged, and I was again given money because it was too difficult to order anything online. I quite upset, and it had nothing to do with the gift itself - I could easily buy it myself and I was given more than enough money to do so. What hurt me was that I wasn't important enough to put any effort into getting an actual gift. Money was handed to me as a gift, out of duty rather than love. The same gift-giver extolled how much time and effort they had put into a gift given to someone else at the same time, even going so far as getting a much more involved item than what was originally asked for.
If I'm given money as a gift, I can find a use for it but it isn't what I want from my family or friends. If they are going to give me anything, it should show that they care... and if they don't care then they shouldn't give me anything. I don't want to be paid my dues for being a relative, I don't want anyone to feel that they are tied into doing something just because they are tied to me by name or bloodline or circle of friends. That completely misses the point of gift giving in the first place. Nothing emotional is shared, and there is no item in the world I want that can replace an emotional connection.
Conversely, I received a gift from someone that is made from a printed out photograph and office supplies. It has no value, but the photograph was selected and it was made and decorated with care... with me in mind. My friend could have said "I don't have any money" and left it at that, not given me anything. But they cared enough to think of something I'd love and make it themselves. That is a gift that I still cherish. In fact, it sits on my desk and I occasionally pick it up and look at it. The photograph was from time spent with that friend that was crazy good fun, and the memories it brings back are really all that matter.
This year, things have changed a bit. I've begun to seperate the people out of my life that have made it clear they don't genuinely care about me. People who don't value my feelings or pay any attention at all to what matters to me do not have a place in my life. I care about them but my presence isn't helping them and their presence isn't helping me, and it is time we both go our own way. With that having been decided months ago, I've been more and more cheerful as this holiday season has approached. I'm full of holiday spirit for the first time in years, because I've lifted the burden from myself of looking at the holidays as an excersize in spending time with and buying things for people out of duty rather than love.
Everyone who is getting gifts from me this year is getting at least one item that is handmade or modified in some way. Whether its taking a plain article of clothing and adding a design to it so that it's perfect for the recipient, or working on folding hundreds of paper cranes, I think about the person constantly while I make the items. The entire time, I'm imagining how much joy they will get from the item while they hang it, or wear it, or when they see it. I imagine that they will probably have it for years and that it will bring back pleasant memories of our time together, whether we still know each other in the future or if thousands of miles seperate us. I put my love for that person into what I make, and I cannot imagine a greater gift to give to someone than love.
This holiday season, no matter which religion you follow or if you follow none, there are three amazing gifts you can give to the people on your list:
Love
Forgiveness
Compassion
When people want things, it comes from a deeper need - the need to feel special, loved, and understood by those around them. We have been trained to believe that love comes in objects and that the more spent is the more special we are.
Don't buy someone a unicorn figurine just because they like unicorns. That's the easy and kind of thoughtless way out. It's simple to do something that is obvious. It takes little thought, little consideration, little love. It is ultimately meaningless, just another empty moment in time that could have been spent in genuine human connection with someone.
If you can't make something, write something. If you can't find the words, make a mix tape (CD, Ipod, whatever) of songs that do have the words. Spend time with them, make them dinner (or cupcakes!), or - gasp - sit down and talk to them, and do most of the listening! Do something that shows you care in a way that they can feel in their heart. If you don't care that much, you shouldn't be buying gifts just because of duty.
Love, true love, involves sacrifice. That sacrifice isn't always the painful kind, but it means giving some of your time, your effort, or your patience to someone in order to benefit them and bring them joy, peace, and happiness.
None of those things can be bought in a store.
I think it started when I realized that all the people who gave me gifts did so out of duty rather than out of care. I realized that not receiving gifts would be better than receiving half hearted gifts, so I chose to remove myself from the process as much as possible.
A turning point was a gift I had requested one year after several years of not wanting anything specific (and being given money). I had asked for a very specific item and I was really excited to be able to use it... ideally the same day as received. The day came for presents to be exchanged, and I was again given money because it was too difficult to order anything online. I quite upset, and it had nothing to do with the gift itself - I could easily buy it myself and I was given more than enough money to do so. What hurt me was that I wasn't important enough to put any effort into getting an actual gift. Money was handed to me as a gift, out of duty rather than love. The same gift-giver extolled how much time and effort they had put into a gift given to someone else at the same time, even going so far as getting a much more involved item than what was originally asked for.
If I'm given money as a gift, I can find a use for it but it isn't what I want from my family or friends. If they are going to give me anything, it should show that they care... and if they don't care then they shouldn't give me anything. I don't want to be paid my dues for being a relative, I don't want anyone to feel that they are tied into doing something just because they are tied to me by name or bloodline or circle of friends. That completely misses the point of gift giving in the first place. Nothing emotional is shared, and there is no item in the world I want that can replace an emotional connection.
Conversely, I received a gift from someone that is made from a printed out photograph and office supplies. It has no value, but the photograph was selected and it was made and decorated with care... with me in mind. My friend could have said "I don't have any money" and left it at that, not given me anything. But they cared enough to think of something I'd love and make it themselves. That is a gift that I still cherish. In fact, it sits on my desk and I occasionally pick it up and look at it. The photograph was from time spent with that friend that was crazy good fun, and the memories it brings back are really all that matter.
This year, things have changed a bit. I've begun to seperate the people out of my life that have made it clear they don't genuinely care about me. People who don't value my feelings or pay any attention at all to what matters to me do not have a place in my life. I care about them but my presence isn't helping them and their presence isn't helping me, and it is time we both go our own way. With that having been decided months ago, I've been more and more cheerful as this holiday season has approached. I'm full of holiday spirit for the first time in years, because I've lifted the burden from myself of looking at the holidays as an excersize in spending time with and buying things for people out of duty rather than love.
Everyone who is getting gifts from me this year is getting at least one item that is handmade or modified in some way. Whether its taking a plain article of clothing and adding a design to it so that it's perfect for the recipient, or working on folding hundreds of paper cranes, I think about the person constantly while I make the items. The entire time, I'm imagining how much joy they will get from the item while they hang it, or wear it, or when they see it. I imagine that they will probably have it for years and that it will bring back pleasant memories of our time together, whether we still know each other in the future or if thousands of miles seperate us. I put my love for that person into what I make, and I cannot imagine a greater gift to give to someone than love.
This holiday season, no matter which religion you follow or if you follow none, there are three amazing gifts you can give to the people on your list:
Love
Forgiveness
Compassion
When people want things, it comes from a deeper need - the need to feel special, loved, and understood by those around them. We have been trained to believe that love comes in objects and that the more spent is the more special we are.
Don't buy someone a unicorn figurine just because they like unicorns. That's the easy and kind of thoughtless way out. It's simple to do something that is obvious. It takes little thought, little consideration, little love. It is ultimately meaningless, just another empty moment in time that could have been spent in genuine human connection with someone.
If you can't make something, write something. If you can't find the words, make a mix tape (CD, Ipod, whatever) of songs that do have the words. Spend time with them, make them dinner (or cupcakes!), or - gasp - sit down and talk to them, and do most of the listening! Do something that shows you care in a way that they can feel in their heart. If you don't care that much, you shouldn't be buying gifts just because of duty.
Love, true love, involves sacrifice. That sacrifice isn't always the painful kind, but it means giving some of your time, your effort, or your patience to someone in order to benefit them and bring them joy, peace, and happiness.
None of those things can be bought in a store.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Saturn's Return
The orbit of Saturn around the sun takes about 29 years which places it back in its original place at the time of each person's birth around the time they hit 29 years of age. It happens again at about 58 years old, and for those fortunate enough to keep on going, it continues to cycle into our lives in 29 year increments.
The return of saturn heralds an astrologically recognized phenomenon in our lives; a time period of turmoil and change, a transition between who we've been and who we will become.
Often, between the ages of 28 and 33, we experience a large amount of life change and uncertainty. Many marriages and divorces happen at this age, changes in career, lifestyle, beliefs, and location in the world. This is often the age at which people settle down or unsettle themselves. It can also mean re-nesting, leaving one long term situation to move into another. Fatal drug overdoses and suicides are also common at this time. This is the age when Jesus re-appears in the bible and begins his ministry, being crucified as Saturn moves out of influence.
This time period is a fulcrum point over which we are bent to the breaking point, challenging our psyche to cope, forcing us to make decisions even when we don't know that we are making them. Saturn opens our eyes and sends test after test our way, forcing us to a large choice through a series of smaller innocuous choices.
The big choice:
Saturn places you over the flowing river of an exceptional and tumultuous life, one as full of wonder as it is of uncertainty. A life full of learning and an accerlated path of life lessons. Its a scary thing to see, knowing not where it will take you but that it will take you through many rapids and over waterfalls. Above the river, you're hanging from one of many branches on a tree, a branch that has grown out through the course of your life and is marked by where you've been. The choice you have is to climb onto the branch that makes you feel safe, or let go and fall into the flowing river. For some, the choice is so frightening and difficult that they shut down, and continue hanging precariously over that river. All the while they know that it is there, and the louder it calls the more they cling to that branch and try to close out the sound of the rushing water.
As the Rush song goes, if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.
So about every thirty years, Saturn comes charging back into our lives pushing us to make a decision, and it is a necessary part of the development of our souls.
We are here to grow, to learn to love without limits, to expand the consciousness of the universe as we expand our own. In clinging to the branch, we prevent ourselves from experiencing that growth. Saturn comes around to poke at us and try to wake us up, so that it can ask if we're ready to let go yet. There is no right or wrong of it, we each do what we must in order to carry on. There is only entropy and growth, marching in place or free running through the world.
It's all about risk. When we take chances, when we take risks, we open ourselves up to tripping and falling. We tend to think that tripping or falling are bad things, but it is only through them that we get the most amazing opportunity of our lives, one that shapes us, expands and evolves us into more than we had imagined possible.
Falling gives us the incredible opportunity to stand back up and decide to try again. It's not the failure, it's not the success, it is the experience and the decision itself. It is that moment that forces us to connect emotionally to our very souls and realize that we are more than this body and we are stronger than we thought, and because of that we can push forward. Every time we do this, we knock another tiny brick out of the wall between who we think we are and who we really are.
The strife in life is the most beautiful part of life, it is the pain which brings us opportunity and knowledge and compassion. The harder something is to do, the more worthwhile it is to do because it is the challenge itself that unlocks our potential.
When you see a challenge coming, take a moment to set aside your fear and examine it. If you take that challenge head on knowing that it is there to teach you something, you'll never forget the lessons you learn, but the fear you felt will fade out of memory before you know it.
If you are approaching one of the 29 year cycles in your life, keep a watchful eye out for the changes that begin to happen in your life. It won't be easy, and there will be pain, but it is oh-so-very worth it to let go of everything you're clinging to and see where the river takes you.
The return of saturn heralds an astrologically recognized phenomenon in our lives; a time period of turmoil and change, a transition between who we've been and who we will become.
Often, between the ages of 28 and 33, we experience a large amount of life change and uncertainty. Many marriages and divorces happen at this age, changes in career, lifestyle, beliefs, and location in the world. This is often the age at which people settle down or unsettle themselves. It can also mean re-nesting, leaving one long term situation to move into another. Fatal drug overdoses and suicides are also common at this time. This is the age when Jesus re-appears in the bible and begins his ministry, being crucified as Saturn moves out of influence.
This time period is a fulcrum point over which we are bent to the breaking point, challenging our psyche to cope, forcing us to make decisions even when we don't know that we are making them. Saturn opens our eyes and sends test after test our way, forcing us to a large choice through a series of smaller innocuous choices.
The big choice:
Saturn places you over the flowing river of an exceptional and tumultuous life, one as full of wonder as it is of uncertainty. A life full of learning and an accerlated path of life lessons. Its a scary thing to see, knowing not where it will take you but that it will take you through many rapids and over waterfalls. Above the river, you're hanging from one of many branches on a tree, a branch that has grown out through the course of your life and is marked by where you've been. The choice you have is to climb onto the branch that makes you feel safe, or let go and fall into the flowing river. For some, the choice is so frightening and difficult that they shut down, and continue hanging precariously over that river. All the while they know that it is there, and the louder it calls the more they cling to that branch and try to close out the sound of the rushing water.
As the Rush song goes, if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.
So about every thirty years, Saturn comes charging back into our lives pushing us to make a decision, and it is a necessary part of the development of our souls.
We are here to grow, to learn to love without limits, to expand the consciousness of the universe as we expand our own. In clinging to the branch, we prevent ourselves from experiencing that growth. Saturn comes around to poke at us and try to wake us up, so that it can ask if we're ready to let go yet. There is no right or wrong of it, we each do what we must in order to carry on. There is only entropy and growth, marching in place or free running through the world.
It's all about risk. When we take chances, when we take risks, we open ourselves up to tripping and falling. We tend to think that tripping or falling are bad things, but it is only through them that we get the most amazing opportunity of our lives, one that shapes us, expands and evolves us into more than we had imagined possible.
Falling gives us the incredible opportunity to stand back up and decide to try again. It's not the failure, it's not the success, it is the experience and the decision itself. It is that moment that forces us to connect emotionally to our very souls and realize that we are more than this body and we are stronger than we thought, and because of that we can push forward. Every time we do this, we knock another tiny brick out of the wall between who we think we are and who we really are.
The strife in life is the most beautiful part of life, it is the pain which brings us opportunity and knowledge and compassion. The harder something is to do, the more worthwhile it is to do because it is the challenge itself that unlocks our potential.
When you see a challenge coming, take a moment to set aside your fear and examine it. If you take that challenge head on knowing that it is there to teach you something, you'll never forget the lessons you learn, but the fear you felt will fade out of memory before you know it.
If you are approaching one of the 29 year cycles in your life, keep a watchful eye out for the changes that begin to happen in your life. It won't be easy, and there will be pain, but it is oh-so-very worth it to let go of everything you're clinging to and see where the river takes you.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
My Heartfelt Plea...
When I was too young to understand the actions of others, there was something about me which made me a target to others. Whether my ability to interact with adults, or my beyond-my-years intelligence, or possibly my creative spirit and ability to draw, I unintentionally inspired jealousy in others.
I was teased and tormented by other children, made to feel like there was nothing I could do that would be worthwhile to anyone. I was told a lot that I should just die and that everyone hated me. Worst of all was the reactions to my artwork. Pieces were damaged, destroyed and stolen, joked about or insulted. The more teachers and other adults praised my work and made me an example, the worse it got. My dreams of where I could go with my art were laughed at, and if it wasn't for the constant encouragement of my family, teachers, and some friends, I would probably have given up long ago on my artistic pursuits.
When I was at that age and I talked about the bullying, I was told over and over that it was happening because the other kids were jealous of me. I could never understand what they were jealous of, since they seemed to hate everything about me and nothing I did ever impressed them.
Years later I had an experience that opened up the mystery for me and helped me to understand what was going on when I was younger.
For about seven years I was in a relationship with someone I cared very much about. As I got to know this person, I learned that he had a deeply artistic soul but that he was far too afraid to even complete a piece of artwork for fear that it might not be perfect.
He had grown up with a loving family and yet under a lot of pressure. His mother and other members of his family were creative and artistic, casually creating lovely paintings and occasionally taking art classes. At a young age he frequently would draw and even planned on a career involving art, but something went wrong. For unknown reasons, several of the adults in his life crushed his dreams while he was a teenager. Between that and the desires of his parents for him to go to college and have an impressive job, he gave up on art.
It continued to be a love of his, and he couldn't deny his creativity completely. He'd start on projects but quit before they were completed. Even with a good solid foundation and artwork that was poised to come out beautifully, his doubts would crush his ability to continue and it would begin to collect dust... and finally be filed away somewhere in an attempt to forget.
Encouragement didn't help in anyway, and was met with defiance and insistance that every bit of work was garbage and his skills could never progress to anything more than mediocre. I tried so often to express what amazing potential he had, and how much more skilled he already was than he understood, but my words fell on deaf ears.
While it is painful to know that someone you care about is suffering in this way, what came next twisted our relationship to the point it couldn't be fixed.
Because he had wanted so much and for so long to feel success from creativity but couldn't allow himself to get that far, he harbored tremendous amounts of anger and jealousy towards people who did keep pushing towards success. He wasn't outwardly cruel towards me as my artistic skills progressed and I began to find some success, but with each marker along my path he'd try to congratulate me. I could always see it though, etched into his face and shadowing his eyes - every good thing I was able to do only served to point out what he wasn't able to do.
Even though I was only doing what came natural to me and swimming upstream to try and build a niche for myself in the world, it was as if I had rubbed my triumphs in his face, pointing and laughing at his failures. It progressed to the point that I was afraid of being any more successfull because it was creating a wedge between us. The difference would always be there and could never be erased: I did what I needed to do to get my art out into the world and that felt like a stone in his shoe, constantly reminding him that he wasn't. After coming home from shows or when I'd complete work or sell work, bad moods would roll in and he'd barely speak to me for hours or days. I felt guilty for everything I did.
Eventually the day came when I was frustrated about one of my failed attempts at progressing my audience, and he told me I should just give up. I had grown up with a family who taught me the exact opposite. They always believed in me and never, ever stopped encouraging me. We all have things we don't like about our families, but this is one standout place I cannot fault them in the least. They've always been behind me 200% and even when I'm down they push me to believe in myself. To hear someone telling me that I should give up was a total shock to me. Even with all the nastiness I'd experienced from my peers in school, nothing ever shocked or hurt me like those words. After all the time I'd spent encouraging him and trying to help him have the confidence to try...
I had slowly begun to lose my interest up until this point, and at that moment, I stopped trying for quite a while... all the color drained out of my life.
I ended up walking away from that relationship, and my art has flourished ever since. This story is the foundation that explains what I'm about to say and why I am saying it...
If you have any desire, whatsoever, to pursue something that matters to you... do not be afraid to pursue it. I know that it is scary, I live that fear every day of my life. I have those moments where I hate everything I've drawn or painted or made. I have days where I do something else so that I don't have to think about my art. But most of the time I am in love with my art - flaws and all. And it is flawed. No human is perfect therefore there is no perfect art. Nothing is without flaws and it is those flaws that make what we do unique to each of us.
Don't be so obsessed with perfection that you can't put pencil to paper. It is so much better to draw a million failed drawings to get to the one that you really love than to never even try to draw that image at all.
Please don't give up on yourself. No matter who you are, you have something special to give to this world and we need for you to share that with us. Try, try again, we all fail but try again anyway. Give every attempt your all and in time you'll find that you have more and more and more to give.
For you, for me, for everyone - use your creativity. It is the most beautiful part of every person, and every person has it.
I was teased and tormented by other children, made to feel like there was nothing I could do that would be worthwhile to anyone. I was told a lot that I should just die and that everyone hated me. Worst of all was the reactions to my artwork. Pieces were damaged, destroyed and stolen, joked about or insulted. The more teachers and other adults praised my work and made me an example, the worse it got. My dreams of where I could go with my art were laughed at, and if it wasn't for the constant encouragement of my family, teachers, and some friends, I would probably have given up long ago on my artistic pursuits.
When I was at that age and I talked about the bullying, I was told over and over that it was happening because the other kids were jealous of me. I could never understand what they were jealous of, since they seemed to hate everything about me and nothing I did ever impressed them.
Years later I had an experience that opened up the mystery for me and helped me to understand what was going on when I was younger.
For about seven years I was in a relationship with someone I cared very much about. As I got to know this person, I learned that he had a deeply artistic soul but that he was far too afraid to even complete a piece of artwork for fear that it might not be perfect.
He had grown up with a loving family and yet under a lot of pressure. His mother and other members of his family were creative and artistic, casually creating lovely paintings and occasionally taking art classes. At a young age he frequently would draw and even planned on a career involving art, but something went wrong. For unknown reasons, several of the adults in his life crushed his dreams while he was a teenager. Between that and the desires of his parents for him to go to college and have an impressive job, he gave up on art.
It continued to be a love of his, and he couldn't deny his creativity completely. He'd start on projects but quit before they were completed. Even with a good solid foundation and artwork that was poised to come out beautifully, his doubts would crush his ability to continue and it would begin to collect dust... and finally be filed away somewhere in an attempt to forget.
Encouragement didn't help in anyway, and was met with defiance and insistance that every bit of work was garbage and his skills could never progress to anything more than mediocre. I tried so often to express what amazing potential he had, and how much more skilled he already was than he understood, but my words fell on deaf ears.
While it is painful to know that someone you care about is suffering in this way, what came next twisted our relationship to the point it couldn't be fixed.
Because he had wanted so much and for so long to feel success from creativity but couldn't allow himself to get that far, he harbored tremendous amounts of anger and jealousy towards people who did keep pushing towards success. He wasn't outwardly cruel towards me as my artistic skills progressed and I began to find some success, but with each marker along my path he'd try to congratulate me. I could always see it though, etched into his face and shadowing his eyes - every good thing I was able to do only served to point out what he wasn't able to do.
Even though I was only doing what came natural to me and swimming upstream to try and build a niche for myself in the world, it was as if I had rubbed my triumphs in his face, pointing and laughing at his failures. It progressed to the point that I was afraid of being any more successfull because it was creating a wedge between us. The difference would always be there and could never be erased: I did what I needed to do to get my art out into the world and that felt like a stone in his shoe, constantly reminding him that he wasn't. After coming home from shows or when I'd complete work or sell work, bad moods would roll in and he'd barely speak to me for hours or days. I felt guilty for everything I did.
Eventually the day came when I was frustrated about one of my failed attempts at progressing my audience, and he told me I should just give up. I had grown up with a family who taught me the exact opposite. They always believed in me and never, ever stopped encouraging me. We all have things we don't like about our families, but this is one standout place I cannot fault them in the least. They've always been behind me 200% and even when I'm down they push me to believe in myself. To hear someone telling me that I should give up was a total shock to me. Even with all the nastiness I'd experienced from my peers in school, nothing ever shocked or hurt me like those words. After all the time I'd spent encouraging him and trying to help him have the confidence to try...
I had slowly begun to lose my interest up until this point, and at that moment, I stopped trying for quite a while... all the color drained out of my life.
I ended up walking away from that relationship, and my art has flourished ever since. This story is the foundation that explains what I'm about to say and why I am saying it...
If you have any desire, whatsoever, to pursue something that matters to you... do not be afraid to pursue it. I know that it is scary, I live that fear every day of my life. I have those moments where I hate everything I've drawn or painted or made. I have days where I do something else so that I don't have to think about my art. But most of the time I am in love with my art - flaws and all. And it is flawed. No human is perfect therefore there is no perfect art. Nothing is without flaws and it is those flaws that make what we do unique to each of us.
Don't be so obsessed with perfection that you can't put pencil to paper. It is so much better to draw a million failed drawings to get to the one that you really love than to never even try to draw that image at all.
Please don't give up on yourself. No matter who you are, you have something special to give to this world and we need for you to share that with us. Try, try again, we all fail but try again anyway. Give every attempt your all and in time you'll find that you have more and more and more to give.
For you, for me, for everyone - use your creativity. It is the most beautiful part of every person, and every person has it.
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