I frequently speak about methods of self discovery and understanding, and the importance of doing so, but I'm guilty of not doing this enough myself... or not listening enough to what I hear from my inner dialogue.
My own journey is one that has been one of duality and confusion. Over the last few years a lot of change has been foisted upon me, and while I generally welcome change it has lead to a lot of uncertainty about who I am and what exactly it is I want. One thing has always been clear: my need to create is paramount. My need to have that creation shared with others, possibly even understood, is just as important. Along side that there has been a whole lot of fear, fear of stepping completely outside the lines and going my own way. A lot of this comes from my upbringing. It was stressed and reinforced throughout my youth that there are certain expectations I had to meet. I was supposed to be someone that I cannot be. I'm not grounded, I'm not responsible, I'm not consistent, sometimes I feel like I'm not even sane! I am very logical but my actions seem very illogical at times. I don't think inside the box or outside the box, I think like there is no box and there's no point to having a box. I don't make sense to many people, and oftentimes my expression of what I'm feeling leaves people with blank stares and confused looks. Not to say that others don't support me as I am, but that they just can't wrap their heads around me. There are those that are also rather judgemental and not at all tolerant of me too. I have the internet to thank for letting me talk to people who are like me. Lots of them. Or even to read the thoughts of people I've never met or spoken to, but who have a similar outlook. It's helped me a lot to know I'm not alone in my "insanity".
It's for that reason that I know I have to talk about this publicly. It is my hope that perhaps someday, someone will stumble upon this and realize that they, too, are not alone. At the very least, it helps me because I get to say things that have been weighing heavily on my heart all of my life.
I've said some of it before. Some I haven't. This is probably going to take several posts, just so that it isn't a single post the size of a small novel.
In everything that I have to say, the most important is this:
I no longer care who hears me. I cannot apologize for what I think or feel, and I cannot apologize if it offends anyone. This is real, to me, and that is all that I have. I think that most people who read this wouldn't find it offensive at all. Maybe you won't even find it interesting. Frankly, it is the people closest to me that I think of when I worry about the reactions to what I have to say. I doubt they'll ever see this, but I've held back from speaking what is in my heart and merging the aspects of my personality and online presence just in case.
Trust me, it's no way to live. I think that a lot of people live like this too, one way or another. We keep a part of ourselves locked up because there's a possibility that this most secret part of ourselves could be laughed at or criticized or ostracized... and that is a scary thing to face. What I've learned, however, is that unleashing that part of ourselves and letting it out into the light can form some of the most amazing human connections possible, and that the benefits will always outweigh the risk in the long run.
Tomorrow, we'll get into the personal stuff. My personal stuff.