Soul Searching pt 5

This is the original post I wrote, it flooded out in maybe 10-15 minutes time. A day later I re-read it and decided that I needed to explore much more deeply in order to really discover what I was feeling. You've read all of that in the last four posts, but this post says some different things and even though it repeats a few things in the other posts, it has great merit on its own.

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In her discussions of the artist's statement, Luann Udell asks "What is the story only you can tell" and I frankly have no idea. It's a combination of feeling like whatever I have to say has probably been said before by someone else, and not knowing what I have to say that is relevant or even matters to anyone else.

I'm one of those artists whose statement sounds like "I've always drawn, I love color, it's so much fun!" and there's nothing in that to connect to, to make anyone feel anything other than boredom. I don't want my "story" to be about technique and credentials either, both because I'm not trained by anyone or any school and though I've won awards and taught classes, I don't feel that creates an emotional connection to my work.

It doesn't at all express my emotional connection to my work.

I want people to have a reaction to my work, I want it to excite their emotions, remind them of dreams, take them to another frame of mind that is outside the realm of average, everyday, human life. I want to do this for other people because that place is where my art takes me. That other place is where my art comes from.

I've read a lot about spirituality, near death experiences, religion, myth, fantasy, science, beliefs... if it has anything to do with that place I've probably looked it up at least once. In all of my reading, I've come to understand something...

That place as I call it, I think it is our soul that we are trying to reach, to connect to... to feel. It's elusive and ethereal, the stuff of dreams and fantasy, but it's also a very real and common experience among most people. Different things take us there, it may be in church, or while performing a ritual, it may be walking into an ancient place like stonehenge or the pyramids, it may be that split second at the top of a rollercoaster when you are looking way, way, way down and starting to free fall. The feeling of flight, the feeling of love, the feeling of that perfect moment when something you've been secretly wishing for happens and you feel the fireworks in your heart.

It is that ultimately miniscule and fleeting moment that I'm trying to capture in my work. It is that moment I am trying to give to people who experience my work.

Luann's work gives me this feeling, and it is the combination of her work and the story of her work that takes me to that awe-inspiring place in my heart. Every now and then, I feel like those horses, wanting to run free again... I feel like those fish, frozen eternally in stone, missing my oceans. The feeling comes despite my logical, rational knowledge that I'm not physically old enough to know those things or have those feelings of being ancient... and yet I do. I think we all do, whether we realize it or not.

It's a beautiful feeling, and in my opinion it is one of the highest of human experiences... many people, many artists, have given me this experience, and I want to share it.

That's what I need help with... or rather encouragement. I've kept this blog deliberately seperate from my life and from my art website. This blog is my story, the story behind my work, especially my more recent work, and I've been keeping it hidden because ...well... I'm scared. I'm afraid to break down the barrier between the person I've been taught I was supposed to be (which included mainstream Christianity) and the person I know I am.

The irony for me is that on this very blog I have repeatedly expressed that it is ok to be the person you are, no matter what other people may think. It is ok to let the people who don't agree leave your life. It is ok that not everyone will agree with you... or even that most people won't agree with you. It is ok because of the people who do agree with you. That experience is so powerful for both of the people involved that it is worth it. It is worth everything.

There's nothing in this world that is worth more than spending a split second in that place. Communing with your soul, having those feelings wash over that are a gift from your soul, because it wants you to be in this place.

Soul Searching pt 4

After everything that I have thought about and realized, I now know that I have to take the next step, or risk becoming as hollow as I saw my art to be. You see, when a person denies themselves for too long, they shut down. They lose the light, they close their eyes, and they become a shadow. I think that I've seen it happen...

I know someone who was once bright, brilliant even, bubbly and happy, kind and compassionate. They had suffered through a childhood filled with discouragement but seemed to have put that aside, for a while. Despite their own self doubt, this person tried. They had something to work for, something they wanted to achieve, a purpose. And then, they hit a brick wall. Challenges came their way, and darkness, and it produced fear and uncertainty. The moment came where they could choose to flower or choose to stay closed, to face the challenges head on no matter what they might bring, or to reduce themselves to clinging to anything solid they could grab a hold of. They chose to cling, to hide from the fear and the change, to button themselves up and shut themselves off from reality, society, ... me. It was a slow change, this doesn't happen overnight. But in time, they were nothing like they had been. Just a shadow, a desperate shadow defined by the fear that had changed them, clinging to any kind of security they could find and ultimately drowning themselves in it.

When all of this started for me, I didn't know what was going on. In time I realized that this is a test... a challenge... it's like putting on pressure and heat to harden steel. You can either run from the furnace, or you can choose to pass through it. I became determined that no matter what came my way I was going to pass through. I would let go of EVERYTHING I had ever clung to, give it up and let it go. I will eradicate my possessions, my job, my home, my money, my security, my identity, I'll get rid of everything I thought defined me in order to actually find me. In this process, I've moved along until I hit upon the biggest and hardest thing there is...

Letting go and opening up the curtain. Letting the light in, letting people see me for who I really am, who I've always been, who I long to be. The biggest part of doing this is to remove the divide between my "personalities". The art becomes one with the words, the face becomes one with the name, it's no longer pieces of me strewn about, it is all of me and it is only me. That is how it has to be, not listening to worries or fears about what people will think, if they'll reject me or my art because of why I created it or what I believe, if they'll be angry or hurt, fearful or dissonant.

I'm going to re-do everything. I'm going to pull it all together...

I'm just going to be myself.





Next: the original post that became this multi-day tirade :)

Soul Searching pt 3

I've never been afraid of art or of creating new things. Putting my ideas and visions on paper or canvas is nothing short of bliss for me, and I'm more concerned about doing something that HAS been done before than things that haven't. Art has been the leading edge of my life, in that it is the one place I've never been afraid to stand out. I've never worried if it's too different, or too unique, or not what people expect or want. There's always been an understanding in my heart that what I create doesn't really have to conform to anything at all and it will always be better if it doesn't.

It's easy for me to create a piece of artwork based on my innermost beliefs, feelings and thoughts, and not worry what people will think of it... what isn't easy is explaining the feelings behind the artwork. That is what scares me. I can put things into images that I can't seem to put into words. Perhaps it's because my upbringing was pretty rigid on beliefs about God and religion, and my art disagrees with those beliefs. My art comes from a place in my heart that disagrees with a lot of religious beliefs.

And, honestly, it's not the ideas religions are built on that I disagree with. It's the rigidity, the dogma, the lack of understanding, the need to be the one that is right. My work expresses something thats free, fluid, changing, emotional and ethereal. At least that's what is in my heart when I create it.

And yet, I am afraid to share that fully. The reasons are numerous, and the biggest of them all is my upbringing. Those family ties are still there, and they still have their beliefs. They are quick to judge anything outside those beliefs as evil and wrong, probably because of their own fears.

Maybe that is my goal, the one I've been dancing around for years, just on the tip of my tongue, spoken yet unspoken.

I want to release people from the fear. It's why I write, it's why I paint, it may be the very reason I breathe.

The fear of doing what you were meant to do in life, your very purpose for being alive - it was on the original list of deadly sins, and was called Acedia. Over time and translation that meaning got lost, and today it's meaning is somewhat split between vanity and sloth. Vanity carries with it a whisper of that original meaning... why are people vain? Because what they are protecting, in their vanity, is a mask. A thing they carry on their body, in their hearts, in their minds, to keep people from seeing things within them that are not so beautiful. Why are people slothful? Because the effort to try is greater than the pain of never trying at all.

Of the "seven" deadly sins some can be paired or even appear as triplets, because several of them are facets of each other, of a greater idea.

Gluttony, greed, lust, envy - all of these relate to the desire to posess. Whether it is flesh or money, something you have or something you don't have, the ultimate flavor of them is the same.

Pride, Acedia, Vanity, Wrath - Each is a facet of an idea of self. They each come from the fear of you or something you've done not being good enough, or better than someone else. It is the need to be the best, the most favored, the one that everyone loves that drives these four sins. Pride, rage and vanity are the masks, they are used to hide what one thinks is wrong with them. One strikes out with anger rather than see their own errors. One hides behind beauty or talent to avoid looking at the unbeautiful or the talentless parts of themselves. One has pride in what they do right so that perhaps what they do wrong will be less noticed.

Then there is Acedia. It is a most different idea from its three bretheren, and yet it is the most insidious of them all. Having a purpose, a talent, a gift and squashing it because you're afraid of failing, or doing something wrong... or even afraid of doing something amazingly good. Being afraid of letting your light shine because you don't want to be too different.

Perhaps... even being different in ways that feel safe and not in ways that feel open and risky. I'm guilty of this.

I've kept this blog far from my art website. I've seperated them, considered them to be two halves of myself, one which I share with everyone and one which is more anonymous. One that is safe from the people in my life that I think would judge me.

I've kept the feelings I express here, the very feelings that drive my artwork a secret, and hidden. I've made my art stand alone without support. Images that are pretty but without any meaning given to them. Art like that becomes hollow, without soul. It's like looking at a rainbow in black and white.

I'm probably being overly dramatic about it, but my point is that while my art can stand on it's own just fine, but once you realize all that is behind it, the art alone becomes a shadow by comparison.


Tomorrow: what I have to do

Soul Searching pt 2

I've been putting a lot of thought into the meaning behind my art. This is mostly because of reading Luann Udell's blog (http://luannudell.wordpress.com) about her art. She has put a lot of time and thought into self discovery and writing, finding her way from making art "to make people happy" to a place where her art is not only a powerful force in her own life but a powerful force in anyone's life who reads and connects with her story. I'm incredibly moved when I read what she has to say about why she does what she does. Time and space are things that we all struggle against in our own ways throughout life, and she has a way of creating art that feels like it transcends time... that transcendence is something that I think we all want, deep down.

Her story moves me nearly to tears. It touches my heart, it makes me feel so incredible when I look at her tiny horses... almost as if I can see them running free. Thinking about her fish who are grumpy because they miss their oceans brings so much imagery and inspiration into my heart, artistically and spiritually.

Reading all that she has to say has me thinking about my own art, thinking quite hard. It's been on my mind almost constantly for months now, but I feel that I'm not much closer to an answer than I was before.

Why do I do what I do?

I have theories, but it's kind of weird to have something that's only a theory when it involves your own heart and mind. It feels like I should know, in a factual sense, but I don't. I feel kind of clueless.

I know that I draw because it makes me happy, I know that I feel better when I do it and that it is very calming and soothing for me. I know that what I draw are things I find beautiful... but doesn't every artist do that? I know that I take what I do for granted... I forget that not everyone can sit down and sketch what's in their head and have it actually look like what they were thinking. I should know this... I've played Pictionary enough in my life. I forget that what comes so easy and natural for me doesn't for everyone else.

I have taught art classes to kids ranging in ages from five to twenty, and there was a lot of lessons there for me. The younger kids usually weren't afraid to try and make something, they had a freedom in their will to create because they hadn't yet reached the point in their life where they had not yet placed other people's opinions of their abilities ahead of their desire to create. I think there is also a factor in the common tendancy of adults to say, universally, that they think anything a kid has made is great. We don't have the same expectations of children as we do of adults, and I think that is something that hurts us as we age. Being judged more and more harshly just because of growing up (or being grown up) can prevent us from pursuing new things.

With the teens and young adults, if they didn't already have any interest in drawing the students were very hesitant to even try to draw. There was a lot of fear about what people would think of what they'd drawn, and fear that it would come out horrible so they didn't even want to try. This idea goes far beyond art, it carries through in everything that we do. So many times we come to something new and we don't try because we are afraid of failing. No matter what we think that failure could bring (from personal disappointment to peer disappointment to authoritative disappointment) it is more than we're willing to face.

Another thing I noticed was that students of all ages had a strong tendancy to just dupilicate whatever the example project was. If it was a clay tile in a star shape, at least 1/3 of the class would make a clay tile in a star shape. If the example was a drawing of a chair (with the option to draw anything they wanted), at least 1/3 of the class would draw a chair. Every class had one or more students that would sit and kind of stare at their un-finished project, then notice what someone else was doing and end up doing something similar.

Humans look to each other to know what we should be doing. This is one of those traits that has been bred into us through evolution - those who follow the leader lived longer lives and were able to produce more offspring. This is a trait that is also common in the animal world, seen both in how babies watch their parents to learn and also in pack behavior amongst canines, felines, and the like. Birds deer, and others listen to and watch each other for signals that danger is coming or if it's safe to focus on foraging for food or drinking water, letting their guard down a little. In us, it is reflected in our social system. We look to others for guidance, for the "right way", to follow their lead so that we'll fit in. This can be as simple as wearing what is popular to the complexity of the relationship dynamics.

We are, essentially, bred and raised to not trust our own instincts. We grow up learning not to be true to ourselves because it opens up doors to painful experiences. The flip side of the coins is that those doors open us to incredibly beautiful experiences as well, but it is normal to play it safe.

Every time in my class, when introducing a project, we'd ask the students to come up with an idea by brainstorming in their notebook/journals. And every time, many would stare at a blank page, frozen in uncertainty over what they should do. Some students tried to feel us out for suggestions on what to do, others flat out expected us to tell them what they should do. We explained how the project was about them and therefore needed to come from their own hearts, but there was a whole lot of resistance to this idea. It's sad that when we are given the creative freedom to do anything we want to do, we freeze. It happens to most of us at one point or another, in many different situations.

We're afraid of freedom. This is because we're afraid that what we choose when we have the freedom to choose could be wrong. We've grown into adults who are afraid to do the wrong thing. We're afraid of making mistakes, hurting ourselves or others, or being laughed at. Most people are far more comfortable working on something creatively as long as they are given a definite direction in which to take the project.

An example would be that you can paint any kind of dog you want, but it has to be a dog. It's easy to be given something so specific and it's fun to then choose the breed of dog that you like the most. Within those boundaries, you can then enjoy the smaller piece of freedom you're given. You don't have to decide anything other than the breed of dog and how to paint it, and it's much easier to rationalize and defend those smaller decisions. It's hard to explain why of all the things in the world, you decided to paint a bench. There's just too much possibility, and too many questions you may not yourself be able to answer.

Being given slack on your leash is far more comfortable than being completely unleashed.


Tomorrow, we'll talk about what societal standards I have been afraid of, and why.

Soul Searching pt 1

I frequently speak about methods of self discovery and understanding, and the importance of doing so, but I'm guilty of not doing this enough myself... or not listening enough to what I hear from my inner dialogue.

My own journey is one that has been one of duality and confusion. Over the last few years a lot of change has been foisted upon me, and while I generally welcome change it has lead to a lot of uncertainty about who I am and what exactly it is I want. One thing has always been clear: my need to create is paramount. My need to have that creation shared with others, possibly even understood, is just as important. Along side that there has been a whole lot of fear, fear of stepping completely outside the lines and going my own way. A lot of this comes from my upbringing. It was stressed and reinforced throughout my youth that there are certain expectations I had to meet. I was supposed to be someone that I cannot be. I'm not grounded, I'm not responsible, I'm not consistent, sometimes I feel like I'm not even sane! I am very logical but my actions seem very illogical at times. I don't think inside the box or outside the box, I think like there is no box and there's no point to having a box. I don't make sense to many people, and oftentimes my expression of what I'm feeling leaves people with blank stares and confused looks. Not to say that others don't support me as I am, but that they just can't wrap their heads around me. There are those that are also rather judgemental and not at all tolerant of me too. I have the internet to thank for letting me talk to people who are like me. Lots of them. Or even to read the thoughts of people I've never met or spoken to, but who have a similar outlook. It's helped me a lot to know I'm not alone in my "insanity".

It's for that reason that I know I have to talk about this publicly. It is my hope that perhaps someday, someone will stumble upon this and realize that they, too, are not alone. At the very least, it helps me because I get to say things that have been weighing heavily on my heart all of my life.

I've said some of it before. Some I haven't. This is probably going to take several posts, just so that it isn't a single post the size of a small novel.

In everything that I have to say, the most important is this:

I no longer care who hears me. I cannot apologize for what I think or feel, and I cannot apologize if it offends anyone. This is real, to me, and that is all that I have. I think that most people who read this wouldn't find it offensive at all. Maybe you won't even find it interesting. Frankly, it is the people closest to me that I think of when I worry about the reactions to what I have to say. I doubt they'll ever see this, but I've held back from speaking what is in my heart and merging the aspects of my personality and online presence just in case.

Trust me, it's no way to live. I think that a lot of people live like this too, one way or another. We keep a part of ourselves locked up because there's a possibility that this most secret part of ourselves could be laughed at or criticized or ostracized... and that is a scary thing to face. What I've learned, however, is that unleashing that part of ourselves and letting it out into the light can form some of the most amazing human connections possible, and that the benefits will always outweigh the risk in the long run.

Tomorrow, we'll get into the personal stuff. My personal stuff.

Chakra Test & Meditation Game

Out of curiosity I took a chakra test as I noticed I've been feeling pretty unbalanced and ungrounded lately. Results:

Root: under-active (-44%)
Sacral: open (12%)
Navel: under-active (-38%)
Heart: open (12%)
Throat: open (56%)
Third Eye: open (44%)
Crown: open (50%)


I've clearly been living in my head entirely too much lately, and basically ignoring everything else. I also feel like I need constant mental stimulation which is probably because my upper 3 are considerably more open than the rest.

It looks like I have some balancing to do!


In other news, I'm going to be trying out the "meditation" game that was partially developed by Deepak Chopra. I'm not a 100% fan of his, but the game looks quite interesting and I think that it could be useful and a relaxing experience. I'll probably post a review here after I get it, probably after the holidays.

I'd really like to see more things like this. One one hand I fully understand that genuine and deep meditation will not be achieved with any type of video, game or product, but on the other hand I think that it could potentially be a useful gateway for those who are either not looking for deep mediation (at that time) or who are quite new to the idea of mediation and can't imagine sitting still and concentrating for even five minutes to start with.

At the moment (and this probably has something to do with those unbalanced chakras), I'm in that very last group. I can zone out, but sitting down to do a focused meditation feels outside the realm of my capabilities right now. Perhaps the game will be useful in balancing?

Hopefully I can post a review by the end of January.

Till next time!

Honesty

Honesty... another one of those words used daily and yet understood very little.

It goes beyond simply telling the truth. There are a whole lot of dishonest things we do, whether out of malice or kindness that aren't lies per se, but they still aren't honest.

Take, for example, something I touched on in my last post. I mentioned how we shouldn't buy gifts out of duty for people who don't really need them anyway. We think of it as a "nice" thing to do, or even something that we're supposed to do, and we rarely take a step back to realize that the action is dishonest.

Say you have a relative who you've never been close to. You see them at all the major family gatherings including Christmas, and the two of you exchange little gifts as you do with everyone else there. If I told you to stop getting a gift for that person, the understandable reaction is to think it's rude. But think about it like this - you never talk to that person any other time of the year, you probably forget their existence most of the year, and you don't share any special memories or feelings with this person. Your only real connection to them is through family and even at that, the connection is likely not all that close.

Why do we give gifts? It comes from ancient practices of congregations giving gifts to their leaders or priests (even to God as offerings). The giving of a gift is meant to show that you find the recipient to be tremendously important to you.

Therefore, giving a gift to someone you barely know, don't think about and may not even like all that much is dishonest.

This is just food for thought, as is often the case in my writing. It is healthy to question the things we take for granted in life and to give ourselves the freedom to be someone or something other than what we've always been told we have to be. Most of what we've learned in life we've learned by example. Our habits come from what we've seen rather than what we really want. We end up unhappy and unable to understand what is causing our unhappiness. Taking the time to re-examine the habits and traditions of our lives can help us to understand where the odd and unfathomable discontent is coming from.

Dishonesty is a source for the discontent we experience. Deep down we know that an action is not true to the core of who we are and what we want, and yet because of circumstance, duty, perceived need, laws, etc, we proceed anyway. Then we suffer a pain that seems unrelated and do not understand its source is actually that we are being dishonest with ourselves about what we really want.

Most of us suffer this discontent, and almost no one knows how to dissolve it out of their lives.

Next time you go to do something and find yourself procrastinating, dreading, or avoiding the situation, take some time and consider whether what you are about to do is in fact true to you. If not, consider finding another way to handle the situation that is right for you. Everything is a learning process, and with patience and persistence, you can change your thinking to be more true to yourself in time.

Holiday Thoughts

Years ago, I began to observe the holidays with little participation. Up until then, I was fairly typical, excited to get gifts, excited to give them, suffering from great disappointment when someone showed little care, and ultimately feeling depressed after the holidays because the exciting time was over and it was back to the mundane for a whole year.

I think it started when I realized that all the people who gave me gifts did so out of duty rather than out of care. I realized that not receiving gifts would be better than receiving half hearted gifts, so I chose to remove myself from the process as much as possible.

A turning point was a gift I had requested one year after several years of not wanting anything specific (and being given money). I had asked for a very specific item and I was really excited to be able to use it... ideally the same day as received. The day came for presents to be exchanged, and I was again given money because it was too difficult to order anything online. I quite upset, and it had nothing to do with the gift itself - I could easily buy it myself and I was given more than enough money to do so. What hurt me was that I wasn't important enough to put any effort into getting an actual gift. Money was handed to me as a gift, out of duty rather than love. The same gift-giver extolled how much time and effort they had put into a gift given to someone else at the same time, even going so far as getting a much more involved item than what was originally asked for.

If I'm given money as a gift, I can find a use for it but it isn't what I want from my family or friends. If they are going to give me anything, it should show that they care... and if they don't care then they shouldn't give me anything. I don't want to be paid my dues for being a relative, I don't want anyone to feel that they are tied into doing something just because they are tied to me by name or bloodline or circle of friends. That completely misses the point of gift giving in the first place. Nothing emotional is shared, and there is no item in the world I want that can replace an emotional connection.

Conversely, I received a gift from someone that is made from a printed out photograph and office supplies. It has no value, but the photograph was selected and it was made and decorated with care... with me in mind. My friend could have said "I don't have any money" and left it at that, not given me anything. But they cared enough to think of something I'd love and make it themselves. That is a gift that I still cherish. In fact, it sits on my desk and I occasionally pick it up and look at it. The photograph was from time spent with that friend that was crazy good fun, and the memories it brings back are really all that matter.


This year, things have changed a bit. I've begun to seperate the people out of my life that have made it clear they don't genuinely care about me. People who don't value my feelings or pay any attention at all to what matters to me do not have a place in my life. I care about them but my presence isn't helping them and their presence isn't helping me, and it is time we both go our own way. With that having been decided months ago, I've been more and more cheerful as this holiday season has approached. I'm full of holiday spirit for the first time in years, because I've lifted the burden from myself of looking at the holidays as an excersize in spending time with and buying things for people out of duty rather than love.

Everyone who is getting gifts from me this year is getting at least one item that is handmade or modified in some way. Whether its taking a plain article of clothing and adding a design to it so that it's perfect for the recipient, or working on folding hundreds of paper cranes, I think about the person constantly while I make the items. The entire time, I'm imagining how much joy they will get from the item while they hang it, or wear it, or when they see it. I imagine that they will probably have it for years and that it will bring back pleasant memories of our time together, whether we still know each other in the future or if thousands of miles seperate us. I put my love for that person into what I make, and I cannot imagine a greater gift to give to someone than love.

This holiday season, no matter which religion you follow or if you follow none, there are three amazing gifts you can give to the people on your list:

Love

Forgiveness

Compassion

When people want things, it comes from a deeper need - the need to feel special, loved, and understood by those around them. We have been trained to believe that love comes in objects and that the more spent is the more special we are.

Don't buy someone a unicorn figurine just because they like unicorns. That's the easy and kind of thoughtless way out. It's simple to do something that is obvious. It takes little thought, little consideration, little love. It is ultimately meaningless, just another empty moment in time that could have been spent in genuine human connection with someone.

If you can't make something, write something. If you can't find the words, make a mix tape (CD, Ipod, whatever) of songs that do have the words. Spend time with them, make them dinner (or cupcakes!), or - gasp - sit down and talk to them, and do most of the listening! Do something that shows you care in a way that they can feel in their heart. If you don't care that much, you shouldn't be buying gifts just because of duty.

Love, true love, involves sacrifice. That sacrifice isn't always the painful kind, but it means giving some of your time, your effort, or your patience to someone in order to benefit them and bring them joy, peace, and happiness.

None of those things can be bought in a store.

Saturn's Return

The orbit of Saturn around the sun takes about 29 years which places it back in its original place at the time of each person's birth around the time they hit 29 years of age. It happens again at about 58 years old, and for those fortunate enough to keep on going, it continues to cycle into our lives in 29 year increments.

The return of saturn heralds an astrologically recognized phenomenon in our lives; a time period of turmoil and change, a transition between who we've been and who we will become.

Often, between the ages of 28 and 33, we experience a large amount of life change and uncertainty. Many marriages and divorces happen at this age, changes in career, lifestyle, beliefs, and location in the world. This is often the age at which people settle down or unsettle themselves. It can also mean re-nesting, leaving one long term situation to move into another. Fatal drug overdoses and suicides are also common at this time. This is the age when Jesus re-appears in the bible and begins his ministry, being crucified as Saturn moves out of influence.

This time period is a fulcrum point over which we are bent to the breaking point, challenging our psyche to cope, forcing us to make decisions even when we don't know that we are making them. Saturn opens our eyes and sends test after test our way, forcing us to a large choice through a series of smaller innocuous choices.

The big choice:

Saturn places you over the flowing river of an exceptional and tumultuous life, one as full of wonder as it is of uncertainty. A life full of learning and an accerlated path of life lessons. Its a scary thing to see, knowing not where it will take you but that it will take you through many rapids and over waterfalls. Above the river, you're hanging from one of many branches on a tree, a branch that has grown out through the course of your life and is marked by where you've been. The choice you have is to climb onto the branch that makes you feel safe, or let go and fall into the flowing river. For some, the choice is so frightening and difficult that they shut down, and continue hanging precariously over that river. All the while they know that it is there, and the louder it calls the more they cling to that branch and try to close out the sound of the rushing water.

As the Rush song goes, if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.

So about every thirty years, Saturn comes charging back into our lives pushing us to make a decision, and it is a necessary part of the development of our souls.

We are here to grow, to learn to love without limits, to expand the consciousness of the universe as we expand our own. In clinging to the branch, we prevent ourselves from experiencing that growth. Saturn comes around to poke at us and try to wake us up, so that it can ask if we're ready to let go yet. There is no right or wrong of it, we each do what we must in order to carry on. There is only entropy and growth, marching in place or free running through the world.

It's all about risk. When we take chances, when we take risks, we open ourselves up to tripping and falling. We tend to think that tripping or falling are bad things, but it is only through them that we get the most amazing opportunity of our lives, one that shapes us, expands and evolves us into more than we had imagined possible.

Falling gives us the incredible opportunity to stand back up and decide to try again. It's not the failure, it's not the success, it is the experience and the decision itself. It is that moment that forces us to connect emotionally to our very souls and realize that we are more than this body and we are stronger than we thought, and because of that we can push forward. Every time we do this, we knock another tiny brick out of the wall between who we think we are and who we really are.

The strife in life is the most beautiful part of life, it is the pain which brings us opportunity and knowledge and compassion. The harder something is to do, the more worthwhile it is to do because it is the challenge itself that unlocks our potential.

When you see a challenge coming, take a moment to set aside your fear and examine it. If you take that challenge head on knowing that it is there to teach you something, you'll never forget the lessons you learn, but the fear you felt will fade out of memory before you know it.

If you are approaching one of the 29 year cycles in your life, keep a watchful eye out for the changes that begin to happen in your life. It won't be easy, and there will be pain, but it is oh-so-very worth it to let go of everything you're clinging to and see where the river takes you.

My Heartfelt Plea...

When I was too young to understand the actions of others, there was something about me which made me a target to others. Whether my ability to interact with adults, or my beyond-my-years intelligence, or possibly my creative spirit and ability to draw, I unintentionally inspired jealousy in others.

I was teased and tormented by other children, made to feel like there was nothing I could do that would be worthwhile to anyone. I was told a lot that I should just die and that everyone hated me. Worst of all was the reactions to my artwork. Pieces were damaged, destroyed and stolen, joked about or insulted. The more teachers and other adults praised my work and made me an example, the worse it got. My dreams of where I could go with my art were laughed at, and if it wasn't for the constant encouragement of my family, teachers, and some friends, I would probably have given up long ago on my artistic pursuits.

When I was at that age and I talked about the bullying, I was told over and over that it was happening because the other kids were jealous of me. I could never understand what they were jealous of, since they seemed to hate everything about me and nothing I did ever impressed them.

Years later I had an experience that opened up the mystery for me and helped me to understand what was going on when I was younger.

For about seven years I was in a relationship with someone I cared very much about. As I got to know this person, I learned that he had a deeply artistic soul but that he was far too afraid to even complete a piece of artwork for fear that it might not be perfect.

He had grown up with a loving family and yet under a lot of pressure. His mother and other members of his family were creative and artistic, casually creating lovely paintings and occasionally taking art classes. At a young age he frequently would draw and even planned on a career involving art, but something went wrong. For unknown reasons, several of the adults in his life crushed his dreams while he was a teenager. Between that and the desires of his parents for him to go to college and have an impressive job, he gave up on art.

It continued to be a love of his, and he couldn't deny his creativity completely. He'd start on projects but quit before they were completed. Even with a good solid foundation and artwork that was poised to come out beautifully, his doubts would crush his ability to continue and it would begin to collect dust... and finally be filed away somewhere in an attempt to forget.

Encouragement didn't help in anyway, and was met with defiance and insistance that every bit of work was garbage and his skills could never progress to anything more than mediocre. I tried so often to express what amazing potential he had, and how much more skilled he already was than he understood, but my words fell on deaf ears.

While it is painful to know that someone you care about is suffering in this way, what came next twisted our relationship to the point it couldn't be fixed.

Because he had wanted so much and for so long to feel success from creativity but couldn't allow himself to get that far, he harbored tremendous amounts of anger and jealousy towards people who did keep pushing towards success. He wasn't outwardly cruel towards me as my artistic skills progressed and I began to find some success, but with each marker along my path he'd try to congratulate me. I could always see it though, etched into his face and shadowing his eyes - every good thing I was able to do only served to point out what he wasn't able to do.

Even though I was only doing what came natural to me and swimming upstream to try and build a niche for myself in the world, it was as if I had rubbed my triumphs in his face, pointing and laughing at his failures. It progressed to the point that I was afraid of being any more successfull because it was creating a wedge between us. The difference would always be there and could never be erased: I did what I needed to do to get my art out into the world and that felt like a stone in his shoe, constantly reminding him that he wasn't. After coming home from shows or when I'd complete work or sell work, bad moods would roll in and he'd barely speak to me for hours or days. I felt guilty for everything I did.

Eventually the day came when I was frustrated about one of my failed attempts at progressing my audience, and he told me I should just give up. I had grown up with a family who taught me the exact opposite. They always believed in me and never, ever stopped encouraging me. We all have things we don't like about our families, but this is one standout place I cannot fault them in the least. They've always been behind me 200% and even when I'm down they push me to believe in myself. To hear someone telling me that I should give up was a total shock to me. Even with all the nastiness I'd experienced from my peers in school, nothing ever shocked or hurt me like those words. After all the time I'd spent encouraging him and trying to help him have the confidence to try...

I had slowly begun to lose my interest up until this point, and at that moment, I stopped trying for quite a while... all the color drained out of my life.

I ended up walking away from that relationship, and my art has flourished ever since. This story is the foundation that explains what I'm about to say and why I am saying it...


If you have any desire, whatsoever, to pursue something that matters to you... do not be afraid to pursue it. I know that it is scary, I live that fear every day of my life. I have those moments where I hate everything I've drawn or painted or made. I have days where I do something else so that I don't have to think about my art. But most of the time I am in love with my art - flaws and all. And it is flawed. No human is perfect therefore there is no perfect art. Nothing is without flaws and it is those flaws that make what we do unique to each of us.

Don't be so obsessed with perfection that you can't put pencil to paper. It is so much better to draw a million failed drawings to get to the one that you really love than to never even try to draw that image at all.

Please don't give up on yourself. No matter who you are, you have something special to give to this world and we need for you to share that with us. Try, try again, we all fail but try again anyway. Give every attempt your all and in time you'll find that you have more and more and more to give.

For you, for me, for everyone - use your creativity. It is the most beautiful part of every person, and every person has it.

Advice is Counter-Productive

People of all walks of life from all over the world have a common characteristic of offering advice to others. Whether it is in the form of suggesting a product they enjoy to their friends or trying to convince someone to stop a bad habit or switch to their way of thinking, most of us have both given and received advice.

The problem is, advice can ultimately be harmful.

Offering someone your opinion of their circumstances, needs, or interests seems like a helpful thing to do, and yet it is also commonly observed that people rarely follow the advice of others. Sometimes, we even resist the advice of others so strongly that we avoid doing something we would have done anyway simply because someone presumed to suggest it to us.

It can even lead to a cycle of avoidance of either the subject or the person so that we can avoid an impression of following the advice.

I think this is something we are all at least somewhat aware of, and the big question is why this is the case.

I believe that we are here to learn, to grow, and to evolve as spiritual beings. When we come here we chose what path we want to take and even though some of it is decided, it is also incredibly important that we have free will in our decision making because this is the reason for the world being as it is and the best way for us to grow. Every one of us cherishes this free will, it is essentially what we equate with freedom (here in America) and it is something we will fight to the death to keep.

Without our free will we are merely carried along in the current of our lives, making no decisions of our own. In this case, nothing that we do matters because we didn't chose to do it ourselves. This cannot teach us anything, and it relieves us of all responsibility we hold to act in a manner according to our beliefs.

We cherish our free will as much-if not more- as anything else in life. When someone gives us advice, even if well meaning, it feels as if our free will is being taken away. If we follow what they've said and do it to the letter, we are essentially enacting THEIR decision rather than ours. Though this isn't necessarily a concious thought of ours, we often resist the advice given in our own ways.

For the person giving the advice this can be equally harmful. They are concerning themselves with the decisions of another person, while neglecting their own decisions. The advice given could potentially be something that they should be listening to themselves - or even a habit they have that they are suggesting to another in order to not feel alone or judged in doing it themselves.

We are each here with our own mission and our own unique path. It is one thing to help one who comes to you in need, doing only what they've asked you to do and offering no advice but rather understanding and compassion. We want to be understood and listened to by others, not told what we should be doing when we are already hurting from what has happened.

As humans, we need to arrive on our own terms. We have to figure it out for ourselves and come to our own conclusions, otherwise we've learned nothing except how to follow others.

This drive is so deep within us that even seeing someone else not following their own free will and being directed and lead by others can make us want to do something about it. However, it's still not our choice to change the lives of others. We tend to think that suffering is bad and not suffering is good, but in the karmic sense the exact opposite is true. It is through suffering that we are strengthened, and it is through no suffering that we become complacent and engrossed in less than spiritual pursuits.

We have to let others make their own decisions and find their own answers, even when we know that what they've chosen is going to cause them pain. It seems to be the opposite of compassionate to allow someone to stumble and hurt themselves, but true compassion is allowing someone to be who they need to be, and helping them through the pain when it comes.

Mythological Connections - Christ, Ambrosia, Soma/Haoma

As we read through mythologies* from various cultures, there are many threads of connectedness to be found. More well known examples include the flood, the virgin birth and the redeemer (IE Christ, Krisna, Buddha). I enjoy sharing more of these threads as I come across them, and just today I came across another:

The Christ, Ambrosia, and Haoma or Soma

At first glance, Jesus, the food of the greek gods and a fabled plant/drink of Vedic tradition would not seem to have much in common. It is however the concepts surrounding these which suggests common origins.

Jesus:

One of the more famous things said by Jesus is of the bread being his body and the wine being his blood. A great deal of the descriptions of what Jesus came to earth for refers to sacrifice and more importantly, the spilling of his blood or pouring out of it over people.

Ambrosia & Ichor:

The Greek gods were described as consuming two things: Ambrosia and Nectar. The ambrosia specifically was referred to as the source of immortality, and that anyone who consumed it - mortal or otherwise - would gain immortality. In some descriptions it is also said to make one a god, not just immortal. Additionally, the blood of the gods is given special focus, it is called Ichor and described as a golden fluid, much like Ambrosia, which flows through their veins. It is insinuated that the replacement of blood with ichor is what makes one immortal or a God.

Haoma:

Also called Soma, the term describes a plant, a drink made from the plant, and a divine presence. All three are considered to be the same thing, there is no distinction. The drink made from the plant was part of a holy ritual and was considered to bring one to God, or to instill God within someone. Interestingly, the plant, drink and divine presence form a trinity not unlike the Christian trinity of Father (creator), Son (living waters of the creator), and Holy Ghost (holy spirit given by the creator by request of the son).


The connection:

All three of these concepts are part of a trinity - plant, drink, divinity; father, son, holy ghost; ambrosia, nectar, ichor. In each case, all three parts of the trinity are essentially viewed as being the same thing but in different presentations or forms. The essence is the same but the appearance is what changes.

All three of these concepts also relate to blood. The blood of the Christ, Ichor, and the juice of the plant which is drunk are all similar concepts and all three are considered the "cleansing" part of the equation. The plant, ambrosia and father are all "source" elements, and Ichor, the holy spirit, and the divinity of Soma are each a type of divine spirit which somehow changes mortals into immortals (of a sort).

While each of the three mythological sources has its differences, clearly these three ideas are related in some way. I think that each is trying to express a concept of an essentual fluid life force which comes to us by spiritual means and which can both replace all other forms of sustenance and elevate us into a higher state of being.

The mystery remains, though, what is this force, how do we tap into it and is it phsyical or purely spiritual in nature?

What strikes me is that many mythologies and religions say the same things, yet people focus on the differences between those religions and get involved in spiritual battles over them rather than focusing on our true goals - it isn't about who is right or who is wrong. It's about seeking a common goal in a way that makes sense to us and when possible working together to further the benefit for all of mankind.

Remember - the need to be right comes from the ego and it is a direct product of pride. There is a good reason that pride is considered one of the seven deadly sins, and the need to be right keeping people apart and angry at each other illustrates just how much damage pride can do.



*I am including the Bible and considering "mythology" to refer to an ancient story, whether or not mainstream culture believes it to be factual or fantastical.

Retelling Tales: Genesis

As an exercise in envisioning mythology in a new light, I have an interest in re-writing mythologies into modernized stories, ones that you might consider science fiction in nature.

These stories will include the original elements revisioned through our ideas of present and futuristic technologies in order to provide another possible understanding of what may have been described in these tales. It will require a bit of artistic license, in order to flesh out some of the ideas or occurrences, but I would stay true to the original stories as much as possible. Nonetheless, these stories are a work of fiction and are not meant to be understood as having been literal accounts of events, but rather as one interpretation of the possibilities.

Genesis: The awakening of Man

Our story begins with the spaceship carrying beings from a distant star hovering over a gas and liquid planet. The planet had no real form or structure, its gravity holding it in a spherical shape but within those boundaries was an ocean of matter in gas, liquid and plasma forms. The ocean had great turbulence, with mighty storms slowly moving about it's circumference and denser, heavier elements swirling deep within. As the spaceship orbited the planet, a member of its crew, all of whom were of the god race, launched a probe which would begin a transformation upon the planet. This planet, third from the sun, they called Eden.

Once the probe impacted the surface of the waters, it used a special technology to begin changing the composition of the matter. Moving all the way through to the center of the sphere, it caused the elements and phases of matter to separate and to change. Thick water vapor moved to the outermost edge of the sphere, followed by a mixture of gases and with heavier materials such as iron, silica, carbon and the like settling in the center along with large quantities of hydrogen and oxygen, made heavy by being bound together into molecules of water.

The newly changed planet had a surface of dusty and rocky elements, below which flowed a tumultuous ocean of water, and below that a hot core of rock and metal. Over a period of time, the surface of the earth was warm and temperate thanks to both the heat from the core transferred up through the waters, and the dispersion of heat through the thick vapor in the outer atmosphere. The planet became a petri dish, an ideal environment for the growth of life.

Along with the terraforming, the planet's rotation was also changed. The increased speed not only allowed the entirety of the planet to be exposed to warmth from the sun frequently enough not to cool too much, but it also increased the gravity and magnetic field so that the changes made would hold fast. As the thick vapor in the outer atmosphere disguised the sources of the light and the darkness, and the movements of the stars, they launched representations of the bodies into the sky, beneath the vapors but far from the surface. These bodies moved exactly as their exterior counterparts, as a sort of map to the universe beyond.

The members of god pulled various samples from their collections, samples which had been collected throughout their travels, and brought them to the surface in order to flourish. They seeded multitudes of life, from those which grew in the dust to those who walked on it, things to fly in the air and things to swim in the waters. Pleased with their work, they spent some time studying and cataloging all that they had done here.

The time came, once Eden had been suitably populated and growth had covered its surface, for the second phase of the experiment. They gathered a couple of a type of being that had been created here into a facility containing an ideal and controlled environment. The garden, as their habitat was called, had been designed to include every species of plant that had been added to this planet, as well as a couple of species that were from the home planet of the god.

One of the specimen was anesthetized, and it's DNA was sampled and hybridized with the DNA of the god race. From this sample they used a technology not unlike cloning to grow a new hybrid being. This being, they called Adam. He was placed in the garden and observed for a time, including testing where they showed him images of all the species which had been brought here to see if he had enough recall from his combined DNA to recognize them. Once they had completed all the testing that they could perform on him alone, they anesthetized him and took a sample of his DNA, further altering it in order to create a female version of the new species. Once she had grown to full form, the two were introduced.

As the two were allowed to live together, mostly unsupervised in the garden, something incredible happened. The female, looking at Adam recognized that although he was like her, he was his own being who was not the same as she. This brought her to the understanding that she was a being like him, but not the same as him. Ultimately, she came to know that she was a conscious entity and awakened to higher understanding of her existence. Having been changed by her new understanding, she now understood the idea that she could do something kind or something unkind, having a will of her own. She now understood the concept of causing harm or causing good, and developed the emotions which go along such as guilt and joy. Feeling the joy, and wanting to cause good, she endeavored to teach Adam what she had learned so that he too might experience knowingness and joy. Once she had taught him, and he understood her to be a being like him but not him, and that he himself was a conscious being with will to cause either good or harm, he called her Eve "mother of living" as she had awakened him to new life.

Along with their awareness of good and bad, guilt and joy, they realized that there were parts of their body that should be covered so as not to inspire various feelings and desires when unwarranted. They created clothing for themselves, and then, they heard one of the beings of god enter the garden. They hid from fear, as they now understood that the beings of god had subjected them to certain experiments and tests, and they were nervous about what else would be planned for them.

The being of god, Jehovah was his name, called out to them as they had not come to greet him as in the past. When he found them, he asked why they had hidden themselves, and he noticed that when they answered there was a change in their stance, they made lasting eye contact and they spoke of themselves with understanding when they said "we were afraid". This marked monumental progress in the experiment, and appropriate timing for the next step of testing of these beings.

After explaining to them as much as possible about what they would soon be experiencing, the two were removed from the facility and placed in a new home out in the world, a natural habitat for them to adapt to. They were told that unlike the garden, not all things would be there so they were taught to farm to grow their own food and they were taught about some other survival tools they would need. It was explained to them that now that they had a new understanding of each other, they may in time come to reproduce and that the process would be long and painful for the woman but ultimately rewarding as it would provide more of their new race - this race called Man by God.

Adam and Eve, newly awakened, did not fully understand everything, and now the beings called god had removed themselves almost completely from the lives of Adam and Eve - a test to see if they could survive, if they could put their hybrid intelligence to use enough to sustain themselves.

It worked. After a time of confusion and not eating, the pair began to farm and build as they needed, to develop a life for themselves. It did come to pass that they bore children as well, another highlight in the experiment proving that though they were hybrids, they could reproduce and when they did so, their children were like them.

Many further things were learned about these hybrids, including that they retained some of their animal natures. Once, the children of Adam and Eve, named Cain and Abel, brought the efforts of their labors to show to the beings of god as a check on their progress. The works of Abel were graded well, he had learned to pasture and grow animals well, but the works of Cain were not as well praised. He had brought only plant matter, which he could have grown or could also have collected. This showed no remarkable progress, and at Cain's displeasure he was told that he would need to put more effort forth if he desired to receive more benefit from his efforts.

The words did not reach Cain, as he had carried more of the animistic genes than his brother or parents, and he decided that if his brother were no more, then all of the praise would be his. He killed his brother, and when this was discovered by god, he attempted to deny his knowledge that anything had happened.

The beings of god had found where Abel's blood had stained the ground, and pointed it out to Cain. They then said that Cain would be removed from his family, and from contact with god, in order to protect others from him. He was immediately fearful that he would be killed as well, but god recognized that further study of Cain and the lineage he could put forth was important, and so he was allowed to continue living and to reproduce his own strain of DNA into a lineage for study.

The generations of this hybrid DNA were cataloged, following through the lineage of the males as it was they who typically passed either the god DNA or the original animal DNA and this determined what their offspring's tendencies would be.

Through all this time, the beings of god continued to interact with and be in close contact with Man, but some of their ranks found beauty in this creation and decided to do their own experiments - from lust rather than for research. The new strain of offspring produced was varied, some where giants, some were incredibly strong or powerful, some were more like god and others were more like man. The gods who had taken humans for wives had also taught them about their technology and other knowledge, showing them things beyond human comprehension and which muddied the experiment, effectively destroying any hope for conclusive results in the study of man.

Finally it was decided that they would need to wipe the slate clean and start over. They chose a man whose DNA had retained the most even blend of hybridization - he was no more god than he was animal, he and his family were as genetically close to Adam and Eve as remained in the experiment. These people along with specimens of every other type of life on earth (except those tainted by over mixture with god DNA) were ushered into a special carrier to protect them from the coming changes. Once all of the creatures had taken residence in the carrier, god sealed it and moved it out of harm's way - into a cargo hold on one of their larger spaceships.

Another probe was sent to Eden, much like the original terraforming probe. It condensed and pulled the thick water vapor from the outer atmosphere as it entered, causing great amounts of water and rain to crash down to the earth. As it entered the surface of the earth, it blew it apart such that the waters below the surface as well as the rock and metal from the core all came rushing out as well. For a time, the planet was again like the tumultuous sphere that god had originally found. Eventually, it settled, being more like a slurry of water this time and causing it to form quite differently in its settling. Now there was a terrain of great mountains and valleys, and all the water from the sky had pooled around to form vast oceans. The planet which had been mostly dust was now mostly water, it's surface a jumbled mix of the elements which had previously been separated more evenly. The container was brought out of the cargo hold and placed upon the ocean, and allowed to drift as a boat, until further settling occurred and it found it's way to land.

God instructed the humans directly a last time, teaching about the changes which had occurred, how they now could see out into space at night, and how it would now rain and because of those changes, the planet could not be torn apart in the same way again. They showed the humans how a rainbow could now appear in the sky, and assured them that as long as they could still see rainbows, they would be safe from massive flooding such as had wiped out everything.

Then the humans and animals began to repopulate, and the god notated that a strain of what Cain's DNA had contained still appeared among the sons of Noah, being a sort of curse that would follow the lineage of Canaan.

And thus, mankind and the earth came to exist in the forms that we now know them.

The Necessity of Tragedy

I have yet to meet a person who enjoys losing things that matter to them - rather most people cling to the things they care about, be they people, possessions, homes or other buildings, careers, cars, animals, even a way of life.

Something happens to us when we feel like we have it good, or feel like things are on the upswing or going well. When we feel better and happier, we tend to forget all about the fight to get there. We forget the bad days, the bad moods, feeling broken down, the tears, the anger, the struggle. We relax, a bit, and we can become complacent.

In terms of spirituality, complacency may as well be death. We aren't striving, we aren't working, we aren't learning, and we aren't growing. We're floating along the the comfortable space that we have found. This rest is of course a necessary part of life... but so is the struggle.

It is we who determine what sorts of struggles we'll encounter in our lives, so to look over at someone else and say "wow, they have it so much easier because they aren't dealing with ________________________" is both unfair and silly. Sure, they may not be suffering what you are suffering but that does not mean they don't feel the same exact way about you because of what they are suffering.

Human viewpoints are narrow by nature. Our scope focuses on our own lives, and then peripherally picks up what is happening around us. We see other people, but we are incapable of understanding them the way that we understand ourselves. In our daily lives, we often forget this. To us, they don't look like they are having any problems but to them they could feel stuck in the center of a tornado.

Not knowing, understanding or talking to someone leads to a lack of understanding about them. It is rare that someone will tell you everything that they are thinking and feeling. In fact, it is so rare it may not happen at all. It becomes nearly impossible to really understand anyone else, so we go on thinking that our problems are the worst things ever, and isn't that person over there lucky they don't have to deal with them.


Rather than wasting energy on feeling bad about what has happened in our lives, we could look for the opportunity.

Every event in our lives offers some opportunity. We have two options. Pursue it or ignore it.

Most of the time, the opportunities that arise are immediately dismissed. We consider it for less than a split second, come up with an excuse as to why it's not worthwhile, and continue on our way. Other times, opportunities loom so large that we actually have to sit down and consider them for a while. Even then, we often opt out and continue on with our lives.

But these events are not just opportunities. They are messages. The universe is reaching out to you and saying "Hey! There's something here that you could learn from. This is something you need! Come take a look." Your path is paved as you walk it. The stones under your feet were laid just before you took a step. If you miss one opportunity, it will probably be thrown back into your path again, and again, and again wearing different disguises but ultimately wanting the same thing from you.

It won't go away, and you can either lock yourself away in your house hiding from the change an opportunity brings, or you can step out, and when it appears you can embrace it and hang on tight for the journey ahead.

Every tragedy bears an opportunity. We are often so overcome by stress or grief that we have trouble seeing it, and sometimes later we look back and understand it better.

You can stay open to the opportunities ahead of you, and the best way to do so is to release the obligations with which you bind yourself. Things like routines and habits become excuses for us to avoid change, as well as unpaid bills, too many possessions, and being too adapted to creature comforts. Work on releasing these bonds and when the next opportunity comes up, you may reach for an excuse and not find one.

Then your only option is to take the opportunity and see where it leads!

Static

Imagine that you are trying to stare into a deep lake to see what may be below the surface, but every where you try to look in there are ripples. All you can see are jumping, broken, moving reflections of the sky with teeny glimpses in between of the depths below. You sit and stare for hours, even days, but the ripples are constant and you are never able to see more than a fleeting bit of lake bed.

How discouraging it would be to try to find something, to learn something new about the world, but constantly battle a changing viewscape of static and disruption.

This is what we live in today.

We try to take a lovely walk in nature, but the scenery is broken up by telephone poles, litter, cars on nearby roads and houses. We try to read a book but we hear our upstairs neighbors yelling, stomping or playing loud music. We try to learn something new by reading online but are faced with thousands of ads and other links and distractions, even popups about surveys and little buttons on the side telling us how many people have liked that page on facebook... information which has no bearing on anything, really.

Even if we remove all distraction from our own homes, we're still bombarded by it from the moment we leave until the moment we return. A stretch of highway or road with no billboards or advertisements is rare. Right outside our front doors we see signs for open houses and whoever it is we're supposed to be voting for, traffic, people, and noise. Litter can find its way right up to our doorsteps, glaring us in the face until we do something about it. You can't touch the internet without being bombarded, both with relevant distractions and irrelevant ones. Everyone and everything wants your attention, wants you to ultimately spend money on whatever it is they are offering.

That's what it's all about... it's what everyone wants and what everyone pushes for. It's the thing that seems to universally matter to everyone.

I'll be honest - I am a gamer nerd. And Assassin's Creed is one of my favorites. There's a feature in the game where you can set your money to your weapon hand default and throw money on the ground. When you do, people around you dive on it and it even distracts the guards.

This is a common theme in entertainment and media, throw money and people will break their own necks trying to get as much of it for themselves as possible.


The irony is people will tell you how money doesn't buy happiness, but in the other classic saying - actions speak louder than words - their actions say the same thing as everyone else's. More money equals more happy, and any opportunity for more money is an opportunity you shouldn't miss.

I'm almost tempted to throw a bunch of $1 bills just to see if anyone doesn't dive on them. That would probably be the only person in the crowd I'd have any interest in talking to anyway... Hmm. This could be a great new way to make friends.

Anyway, I am digressing again.

The point is, the little universes we live in are infinitely cluttered not only by ourselves but by other people... and it is unavoidable, mostly. I am tired of websites covered with ads, I'm tired of seing commercials and billboards and signs stuck in the ground and giant graphics on cars. I'm tired by being accosted by the millions of people who are begging for my money by trying to cause me to have a seizure of some sort.

It's very hard to focus on anything while being subjected to this, let alone try to focus on something as important and fleeting as spiritual connectedness.

Decluttering your home is great, and it helps, but we need to declutter society, declutter the internet, and declutter our minds. How? It always starts with us.

Remove the excess from your own site. Simplify it, make it bare so that the only thing on the page that matters is your words and images. I promise that your visitors will appreciate it.

Purpose of the Commandments

In the Bible, it is written that ten crucial commandments were given to Moses on Mt Sinai and that he brought them down to the Israelites below.

They are:

Thou shalt have no other gods before me

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Thou shalt not kill.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Thou shalt not steal.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.



There is much debate over these words, whether they are still relevant, what exactly constitutes a violation, what the consequences of that violation (immediate and long term) are, and so forth.

Commandments one, two, and three leave me with the most questions. If there were an omnipotent being who was above all others without question or chance for being overtaken, why would that being go to such great lengths to declare not only that they need to be first and foremost but also that they are jealous?

Suffice it that if one were to believe in a single omnipotent being, the commandment would be to seek that being above all other pursuits in life.

To the sabbath, not only is one to take a day of rest to themselves and spend it as much as possible in contemplation, prayer, meditation or the like, but also is not to put other people to work for them. That means, not only should you not cook but you also should not go through a drive thru. You shouldn't participate in commerce in any form. This is actually a very good idea for anyone who is attempting to simplify their lives and or become more spiritual or even healthier. One day a week, rather than spending money, stressing out, eating poorly or spending time in futile efforts, spend the day in nature as much as possible, in quiet contemplation as much as possible, and fasting, if possible. It's a great reset for your mind and body to take a break from all the business once a week.

Honoring thy father and thy mother (for a greater lifespan?) is another somewhat confusing one. There is the idea that this means obeyance, but I feel that it is a greater scope than what "honor" would mean in this context. It's almost as if it is a warning to stay true to who you are and where you have come from in your life. For example, today we are aware of many genetic diseases that can be dormant or non-symptomatic as long as certain foods, activities or situations are avoided. Such avoidance, in essence, would be following this commandment. It seems that far too often it is used to threaten children into behaving.

Which brings me to another point - the Bible is constantly praising the innocence of the child and how people need to return to a childlike state, which is completely contradictory to the idea that parents should be controlling and commanding their children as they do. It is the adults who should be learning from the children and not the other way around.

Thou shalt not kill, steal, bear false witness, nor covet: These are your basic instructions to treating other people properly. Together, they ultimately form the golden rule especially when you consider that "bear false witness" can mean both not lying yourself but also not tolerating it from others. So, it is essentially that one should not cause harm to come to others and if they can stop someone else from harming others, they should.


Now that we've got it all broken down, lets put it back together and get to the point:

Why is it so important that we recognize and respect that there is a higher power than ourselves, be true to ourselves, and are careful not to cause harm to others?

It's all about evolution. Which is kind of ironic considering that most Bible-believers aren't fans of the idea of evolution. But that's ok, I'm sure they like something I don't, like football or whatever.

Anyway, While human beings were still taking their first steps in this world (thousands of years in the span of the universe is barely a breath), they were guided away from barbaric ways and taught to to cohabit in cleaner and more respectful ways. These rules and commandments were laid out in order to introduce a system of rules and punishments in order to keep people on the right track long enough for them to -essentially- grow the moral fiber within themselves to the point that they wouldn't need these rules, they would simply understand right from wrong.

Then along came the great divide. The massive canyon between those people who still required the rules and those people who were kind and concientious enough to progress on their own and work on themselves internally rather than causing problems externally for others. (Extroversion is after all imposing your emotions outward on the world rather than inward on yourself)

This divide still exists today though I'd say far more people have crossed the bridge to the self-policing side. Nonetheless, those who can't seem to help but steal, kill, rape, lie, cheat or be adulterous or envious still seem to be a vast majority.


So if you question whether or not these commandments are still valid, look no further than your local police precinct to confirm that indeed they are. If they weren't, we wouldn't need police to keep order or put people to justice for their crimes. Even knowing the punishments, people still insist upon causing harm. Until this darkness within us passes on, we will continue to require a system of rules and punishments to keep us in line.

Deciding What Really Matters

While everyone wishes they could live their life in happiness and doing only what it is that really matters to them, they are toiling away at 40+ hour a week jobs, driving too and fro in maddening traffic, and attempting to keep in order their mountain of possessions and likely too-big living space.

When we do the things we think we are required to do, we push what we really want to the back burner and devote maybe a few hours of week to it - if any at all.

After enough time doing this, we may even forget what really matters to us - or it may have changed over the years while it was buried under our lengthy to do list.

While I realize that today may not be the day you're going to change your life, today - this moment, right now - is always the time to think about it.


Putting some thought into a provocative question can help to bring the important things into focus. Here's a few questions to get you started - think about what each question entails, and write down (yes- I mean it - write it with a pen) what you would do in such a situation and how it would affect the way you live your life.

Once you've finished writing your answer to each question, you can close the book and put away your answers, let it stew around in the back of your mind and come back to it when it has leaped to the front of your thoughts. Maybe, when you write down your answers you won't be able to put them away. They might just spur you into doing something right now to change your life.

Here are the questions:

1. If you knew that in about 2 years time resources on Earth would dry up, be restricted, or be destroyed, and food and water would be very difficult to come by, what would you do for the next two years? How would it be different from your life today?

2. If you were told you had an aneurysm, which could burst at an unpredictable point in the future and would likely kill you, how would it change your life today? What would you do differently than you would have without such news? (note this is far less likely today than in the past, as if an aneurysm is detected it can be treated and most likely will successfully reduce chance of death, however most people never know they have an aneurysm and if it bursts survival rate is not very high.)

3. If you knew for a fact that you would never lose your job, assuming you did not quit, that you would never lose your home, assuming you did not move, and that your significant other would happily stay with you forever, assuming you did not leave them. How would that change your life as compared with what you are doing/thinking/feeling today? Would you walk away from any of the three things, knowing they will never be taken from you?


Ponder these questions and see how they make you feel. I realize that they are somewhat dark, but there is also some truth to each of them. For example, with the aneurysm, it is possible for anyone, anywhere, at any time to drop dead from one, never having known that they had the condition. Most of you reading this fall into the category of not knowing, which means you're at risk for this. I'm not saying this to scare you, I'm saying it to make you think about how you would change your life if you knew it could be severely limited.

And the most important question of all -

The changes you would make in response to each of the questions likely reflect things that you really want but feel that since there is no dire circumstance you should continue being "responsible"...

Why not make these things the goals of your life rather than the path you're heading down now? If they differ dramatically from your life as it is, then that means you're living someone else's idea of a good life - not your own.

That's no way to live. That's torture.

The Phoenix

There is an eternal cycle of the two and the axis - two extreme points tied together by a central axis that spins, thereby creating the cycles of life, death, existance, seasons, time, and so on.

Within our own lives there is a cycle as well, one less recognized and yet instantly recognized when we see one of its symbols - the phoenix.

The one thing that everyone immediately understands when they hear the word Phoenix is the idea of dying in a fire and then being reborn from the ashes. Even when the phoenix itself is not involved, there are many other archetypes and mythological figures who share this same characteristic - two immediate examples are Hercules and Jesus.

The rebirth of Jesus is extremely well known - he was crucified and rose again three days later, in a form not well described but nonetheless described as different from his physical body. Yet he had a special spiritual body that enabled him to interact here on earth after his death, so he did have a body, but it was a body that was God-like (or part of God).

Hercules died by burning - his wife had soaked his vest in poison that when Hercules put it on burned his skin, and even attached to his skin so that in removing the vest he also removed skin. Two alternate ideas state that he either tore off all of his human flesh leaving only his godly self, or that he died from his wounds and was raised (as promised) as a God by Zeus.

The cycle is of carnal birth and death, which are one and the same, and spiritual birth. Carnal birth and carnal death are the same - they are flip sides of the same coin. We continually move through one into the other, until spiritual rebirth happens. It is a smaller cycle within the greater cycle, just as all things reflect along the scale from minute to mighty, layered within themselves.

Carnal birth equates to death of the soul - and when it says that those who do not ascend to God will die, this is what is meant. So long as the soul is imprisoned in a physical body, it is bound and blinded, its wings clipped. This is death because it is not life - the soul cannot move (in its sense of movement, not ours), it cannot speak or see or even breathe. It lies malnurished within us, waiting for the day it is released and can once again be a part of the all.

We, the beings that we are, have a unique place in all of this. We have the capability to do anything we wish - free will - but it is only through relinquishing that will to the all that we can free our souls.

To be as plain as possible about the meaning, our conciousness - the "us" - must choose to set itself aside so that the soul can take over the focus of our being. When this happens, we begin to return the power to the soul that it lost by being trapped within our body.

This can be frightening, as the unconcious part of the mind, which thinks it is the soul, wants us to focus on it instead. It reacts to the soul with fear because of it's own desire to exist. There will be anxiety, paranoia, the feeling of coming too close to something too big for us to handle, and the overwhelming feeling that we need to turn to something concrete like a book or a spiritual leader or a religion. If the fear takes enough hold of us, we can potentially close ourselves off to the idea completely - and circumvent its attempts to appear in our life in every way possible.

This is truely what hell is. Locking ourselves into the physical world because we are afraid of what might happen if we let go -

Letting go is the only way to truely be free.

It is only in allowing ourselves to burn, to be crucified (even encouraging it by carrying our own cross), to be hurt, to be poor, to be weak, that we can experience the true rock of strength, compassion and love that is hiding deep within us. We would appear dead to the world before we could be reraised to the spirit. A person in this state would, in fact, not be dead. They would be like a catepillar within its coccoon - transmutating into a more beautiful form, one that can fly and create awe in others. Why do we all love butterflies and dragonflies so? Because they are a reminder of who and what we really are, a reminder that some day we'll burst forth from the coccoon and fly as well.

When we want to be as the phoenix, to burn away the unneccessary parts of our being to leave only the pure and crystalized beauty within, we must take it upon ourselves to do so.

There is no hero going to come along and save us - we must each be our own hero. We must give up everything (it does not need to be all at once, and it does take time). Give away all that we own, let go of the security which comes from jobs, homes, cars, phones, internet, etc. Let go of the relationships you are clinging to, walk away from the people that you know, explore solitude at length. It is ok to give everything up - it is something which is stated repeatedly in the bible, yet no one seems to hear the words. If you trust in God, have faith, and don't struggle or fight to keep anything to yourself, you will be provided for. If you fight and struggle, then what you are trying to keep will be taken away. It is that simple, and you already experience it every day. At the times you decide to leave things in God's hands, they are taken care of. When you try to protect yourself and your things, disasters small and large can strike to take them away.

This is especially true of money - how many times do we get extra, by gift or promotion or bonus, and immediately have an emergency that takes most of it away? It is the balance which causes this, and you cannot fight the balance. Those who manage to seem as if they have more than they need may keep the money or things, but will find themselves facing much greater hardships in terms of comfort, happiness, and spirit.

To conclude this long and meandering post, the catepillar must give up a comfortable, complacent and safe life of munching on leaves until he is fat and seem to die in order to transform into the stunning butterfly. There is always the risk that the catepillar, by being still, bound, and blind could be eaten or die, but he takes that risk because it is worth it considering what he could become.

We too must give up the comfortable and "safe" life and walk through the fire in order to gain our wings, to become a part of the kingdom of God, to find a life eternal that removes us from the cycle of carnal life and carnal death.

To be alive.

Embracing the Pain

As much as I hate to admit it, my blog has some definite self-help themes running through it. The only reason I don't like admitting that is because I don't want my message mistaken for something it is not...


I will never suggest that my discussions and advice here will make your life better, easier, or happier. I offer advice and speak about topics that will help you find the path that leads to knowing yourself, growing, and exploring.


I am a firm believer in the following concepts:

1. Humans need to evolve our state of consciousness through our own seeking.
2. The process of evolving ourselves can be fraught with pain and peril.
3. If you avoid change, you avoid the reason we are here.
4. Every person has the ability to experience fear and triumph despite that fear.
5. Everything we fear can be traced back to our inherent fear of death.



I propose a radical change in the way you view life.

When you feel afraid of something, instead of turning away or hiding from it, stare it down. If you can only handle a few seconds, that's enough for the first time. Try to turn away, calm down, and then look again. Do so until you can rationally consider what you are seeing without feeling panicked.

Then, try to figure out why it frightens you. Is it because of a prior bad experience? Is it because the object of your fear is dangerous to your physical or emotional health? Is it an instinct passed down from the time before we were conscious upright beings?

Now, an amazing thing can happen. Whatever it is that causes your fear, trace it back. Afraid of being bitten by a spider? That is because some spider bites have killed people. Afraid of germs? That is because some people have gotten sick and died from them. Afraid of heights? Afraid of flying? Afraid of having your heart broken? Afraid of your child dying? Every one of them goes back to the same thing. We don't want to die, we don't want to be alone, and we don't want to feel pain.

These are the three major fears to which all other fears can be traced, and the latter two (alone and pain) can be traced back to death as well. We could fear being alone because it means we could die without having a legacy and thereby immortality, through other's memories of us, through having children, through having done something important. Pain is a physical reminder of the possibility of death, it reminds us that death could happen at any moment, therefore we fear pain. (Obviously pain is uncomfortable, but I am speaking to the irrational fear and avoidance of pain, not "I'd rather not hurt" which is the more rational mindset)


We don't want to get to know the inner depths of our being for a big reason: it ties to every fear we have. It can alienate us if we change, thus triggering our alone fear, it could potentially make us crazy which triggers our death fear, and it can potentially hurt - a lot - triggering our pain fear.

Seriously, going through what it takes to really find yourself, who you are inside, what you really are, will ultimately mean destroying the life you have today. Eventually, few scarce vestiges of the person you are now will remain, and you will be someone else. You will likely lose or give up most of your possessions, you'll probably end up living somewhere else, doing something else, even looking like a different person. You will probably distance yourself from family and friends - or they will distance themselves from you - and your priorities will not be the same.

But... we can't only look at that part of it. Even as you lose all of those things, you'll be gaining so much more. You will find new friends, new family, new priorities, a new place to live and a new way to live. You will find yourself to be stronger than you had thought, and you will learn that the changes you put yourself through have tempered your being like steel, making you stronger and bolder and calmer.

And then, you'll do it again. And again. And again. Each time becoming bolder, braver, freer, with less fear.

One small step, followed by another, is all it takes.

Technology: Is It Really The Minimalist's Friend?

I was reading a minimalism themed blog today and something made me pause...

It's the statement that technology makes minimalism so much easier, with e-books and digital files that can replace a large amount of physical books, cds, photos, etc.

I agree... it does make life much easier to have all of my music, photographs, and writings on a computer. It makes life much easier to be able to go to the Internet for reference rather than having encyclopedias gathering dust on the shelf.

But is it truly minimalist?

I realize that everyone has their definition of what "minimalism" means these days, but most people concur on the idea that it is to have only what you really need and to cut out the excess.

Lets look to the dictionary:

Minimalism is listed only in regards to music, art and design - minimalism as a lifestyle is a fairly new use of the term.

So, how about the root - minimal?

min·i·mal   /ˈmɪnəməl/ Show Spelled[min-uh-muhl] adjective
1. constituting a minimum: a minimal mode of transportation.
2. barely adequate or the least possible: minimal care.

"barely adequate" seems to be a good baseline here - extreme minimalists live with not adequate - so barely adequate seems appropriate for non-extreme minimalists.

Having a library of photos, books and music at your fingertips is far more than adequate - it's having your cake and eating it too, as my mom would say. Is this a problem? Yes. Let me explain...

Minimalism as practiced today is a reaction to the common way of life in first world countries in the last century - and to a depressed economy. Sadly it has also become yet another source of over-inflated pride and a "I'm better than others" sort of chip on the shoulder. You know, like the episode of South Park when there was a giant cloud of smug hanging over the town? Hey, the show may be humerous and a bit gritty but their social commentary is often spot on.


Minimalism is a good idea. My concern is that people are doing it for the wrong reasons (see my post on buzzword/fad cause support), and thus will end up dropping it as they move through life and their focus changes. It isn't something that should be done on a whim, or because someone else is doing it and it seems like a good idea, or because it has become some sort of competition to who can have the least number of things. It certainly shouldn't be a way to sell books and make money.

In my opinion, and I know that others may or may not share it, minimalism is a tool to drag yourself out of consumerism, away from the tv, away from all the distractions and trappings of our culture. It's a way to find who you really are when there is nothing else to do but sit and think about it. Or not think about it, in the case of meditation.

You see, we are all being untrue to ourselves. We do what society says we should do, what our parents say we should do, what our friends and families and spouses say we should do. And even when they don't say it, we still do what we think they want, or what everyone else is doing. What we need is the freedom to be who we are when everything else is ripped away - whether we rip it away or someone else does. Only then can we go through the terrifying experience of not having a safety net - and it is terrifying - but it is also cleansing and focusing, it is baptism by fire. It will burn away all the slop and the bits and pieces within you that were put there by other people. This is not a quick or simple process - though starting it can be. It may need to happen multiple times, it can take half a lifetime, but casting yourself into the fire repeatedly will ultimately polish you into the true gem of who and what you really are.

Make no mistake - I'm not speaking from a point of having completed this path - I'm still on it. In fact, all of this had me thinking...

What if I could only have one book? One CD? One article of clothing? One pair of shoes? One tool for creating art?

What would they be?

Book: Patterns of Happiness (given to me by my great-grandmother) It's a small book, maybe 20 pages, with captivating illustrations and inspirations of inner growth and enlightenment.

Music: A burned CD including Me and a Gun by Tori Amos, Not an Addict by Jane's Choice, Whirlwind by The Gits, Good Riddance by Green Day

Clothing: For a woman it's easier, a dress can work. But if we discount basic articles of clothing and were talking about one decorative article, then a blue sari would be my choice.

Shoes: I'd prefer barefoot, second choice being moccasins.

Single tool for creating art: Either a pocket knife/multi-tool for carving wood or my little watercolor field set.


The importance of this exercises is not so much what you'd keep but why. That is the real beauty of minimalism - when you can't or don't want to have it all, you realize what is most important to you and you learn why you value those things thanks to the process of weighing your options.

My book choice come from my fascination with spirituality and my love of certain types of illustration, my music choices relate to connecting emotions to sound and my enjoyment of singing along, my clothing choice is because the sari can be worn so many ways and is a strikingly beautiful piece. My selection of shoe comes from respect for the historical Native American way of life.

My choice of a tool for art is perfectly in line with how I have always created - I use what is at hand and I shape it into my heartfelt vision. It doesn't matter what the tools are and it almost doesn't matter what the end result is. What matters is how I feel while I am creating.


If you've read many of my posts, you know that minimalism isn't my focus, but is part of a spectrum of ideas that are points on the road of my journey. I cannot look at minimalism simply as a lifestyle because it is reflected so heavly in every religion I am aware of. Our great teachers including Jesus and the Buddah not only speak of minimalism, they emphasize the lack of posessions as a key to unlocking their teachings. The minimalism that they speak of does not allow for keeping carbon copies of everything on a hard drive somewhere - it speaks of letting everything go. Completely, utterly, without back up or rewind, deleting everything until all that is left is you.



Ultimately our technology can help us and hinder us. It can allow us to drop our safety net of having things, but technology is a safety net of another color. Because of our technology, we can give up our things and think that we are making a huge internal change by doing so ... but we have the solid backup of the electronic versions. In other words, we haven't given the item up - we have only changed its form.