Honesty... another one of those words used daily and yet understood very little.
It goes beyond simply telling the truth. There are a whole lot of dishonest things we do, whether out of malice or kindness that aren't lies per se, but they still aren't honest.
Take, for example, something I touched on in my last post. I mentioned how we shouldn't buy gifts out of duty for people who don't really need them anyway. We think of it as a "nice" thing to do, or even something that we're supposed to do, and we rarely take a step back to realize that the action is dishonest.
Say you have a relative who you've never been close to. You see them at all the major family gatherings including Christmas, and the two of you exchange little gifts as you do with everyone else there. If I told you to stop getting a gift for that person, the understandable reaction is to think it's rude. But think about it like this - you never talk to that person any other time of the year, you probably forget their existence most of the year, and you don't share any special memories or feelings with this person. Your only real connection to them is through family and even at that, the connection is likely not all that close.
Why do we give gifts? It comes from ancient practices of congregations giving gifts to their leaders or priests (even to God as offerings). The giving of a gift is meant to show that you find the recipient to be tremendously important to you.
Therefore, giving a gift to someone you barely know, don't think about and may not even like all that much is dishonest.
This is just food for thought, as is often the case in my writing. It is healthy to question the things we take for granted in life and to give ourselves the freedom to be someone or something other than what we've always been told we have to be. Most of what we've learned in life we've learned by example. Our habits come from what we've seen rather than what we really want. We end up unhappy and unable to understand what is causing our unhappiness. Taking the time to re-examine the habits and traditions of our lives can help us to understand where the odd and unfathomable discontent is coming from.
Dishonesty is a source for the discontent we experience. Deep down we know that an action is not true to the core of who we are and what we want, and yet because of circumstance, duty, perceived need, laws, etc, we proceed anyway. Then we suffer a pain that seems unrelated and do not understand its source is actually that we are being dishonest with ourselves about what we really want.
Most of us suffer this discontent, and almost no one knows how to dissolve it out of their lives.
Next time you go to do something and find yourself procrastinating, dreading, or avoiding the situation, take some time and consider whether what you are about to do is in fact true to you. If not, consider finding another way to handle the situation that is right for you. Everything is a learning process, and with patience and persistence, you can change your thinking to be more true to yourself in time.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Holiday Thoughts
Years ago, I began to observe the holidays with little participation. Up until then, I was fairly typical, excited to get gifts, excited to give them, suffering from great disappointment when someone showed little care, and ultimately feeling depressed after the holidays because the exciting time was over and it was back to the mundane for a whole year.
I think it started when I realized that all the people who gave me gifts did so out of duty rather than out of care. I realized that not receiving gifts would be better than receiving half hearted gifts, so I chose to remove myself from the process as much as possible.
A turning point was a gift I had requested one year after several years of not wanting anything specific (and being given money). I had asked for a very specific item and I was really excited to be able to use it... ideally the same day as received. The day came for presents to be exchanged, and I was again given money because it was too difficult to order anything online. I quite upset, and it had nothing to do with the gift itself - I could easily buy it myself and I was given more than enough money to do so. What hurt me was that I wasn't important enough to put any effort into getting an actual gift. Money was handed to me as a gift, out of duty rather than love. The same gift-giver extolled how much time and effort they had put into a gift given to someone else at the same time, even going so far as getting a much more involved item than what was originally asked for.
If I'm given money as a gift, I can find a use for it but it isn't what I want from my family or friends. If they are going to give me anything, it should show that they care... and if they don't care then they shouldn't give me anything. I don't want to be paid my dues for being a relative, I don't want anyone to feel that they are tied into doing something just because they are tied to me by name or bloodline or circle of friends. That completely misses the point of gift giving in the first place. Nothing emotional is shared, and there is no item in the world I want that can replace an emotional connection.
Conversely, I received a gift from someone that is made from a printed out photograph and office supplies. It has no value, but the photograph was selected and it was made and decorated with care... with me in mind. My friend could have said "I don't have any money" and left it at that, not given me anything. But they cared enough to think of something I'd love and make it themselves. That is a gift that I still cherish. In fact, it sits on my desk and I occasionally pick it up and look at it. The photograph was from time spent with that friend that was crazy good fun, and the memories it brings back are really all that matter.
This year, things have changed a bit. I've begun to seperate the people out of my life that have made it clear they don't genuinely care about me. People who don't value my feelings or pay any attention at all to what matters to me do not have a place in my life. I care about them but my presence isn't helping them and their presence isn't helping me, and it is time we both go our own way. With that having been decided months ago, I've been more and more cheerful as this holiday season has approached. I'm full of holiday spirit for the first time in years, because I've lifted the burden from myself of looking at the holidays as an excersize in spending time with and buying things for people out of duty rather than love.
Everyone who is getting gifts from me this year is getting at least one item that is handmade or modified in some way. Whether its taking a plain article of clothing and adding a design to it so that it's perfect for the recipient, or working on folding hundreds of paper cranes, I think about the person constantly while I make the items. The entire time, I'm imagining how much joy they will get from the item while they hang it, or wear it, or when they see it. I imagine that they will probably have it for years and that it will bring back pleasant memories of our time together, whether we still know each other in the future or if thousands of miles seperate us. I put my love for that person into what I make, and I cannot imagine a greater gift to give to someone than love.
This holiday season, no matter which religion you follow or if you follow none, there are three amazing gifts you can give to the people on your list:
Love
Forgiveness
Compassion
When people want things, it comes from a deeper need - the need to feel special, loved, and understood by those around them. We have been trained to believe that love comes in objects and that the more spent is the more special we are.
Don't buy someone a unicorn figurine just because they like unicorns. That's the easy and kind of thoughtless way out. It's simple to do something that is obvious. It takes little thought, little consideration, little love. It is ultimately meaningless, just another empty moment in time that could have been spent in genuine human connection with someone.
If you can't make something, write something. If you can't find the words, make a mix tape (CD, Ipod, whatever) of songs that do have the words. Spend time with them, make them dinner (or cupcakes!), or - gasp - sit down and talk to them, and do most of the listening! Do something that shows you care in a way that they can feel in their heart. If you don't care that much, you shouldn't be buying gifts just because of duty.
Love, true love, involves sacrifice. That sacrifice isn't always the painful kind, but it means giving some of your time, your effort, or your patience to someone in order to benefit them and bring them joy, peace, and happiness.
None of those things can be bought in a store.
I think it started when I realized that all the people who gave me gifts did so out of duty rather than out of care. I realized that not receiving gifts would be better than receiving half hearted gifts, so I chose to remove myself from the process as much as possible.
A turning point was a gift I had requested one year after several years of not wanting anything specific (and being given money). I had asked for a very specific item and I was really excited to be able to use it... ideally the same day as received. The day came for presents to be exchanged, and I was again given money because it was too difficult to order anything online. I quite upset, and it had nothing to do with the gift itself - I could easily buy it myself and I was given more than enough money to do so. What hurt me was that I wasn't important enough to put any effort into getting an actual gift. Money was handed to me as a gift, out of duty rather than love. The same gift-giver extolled how much time and effort they had put into a gift given to someone else at the same time, even going so far as getting a much more involved item than what was originally asked for.
If I'm given money as a gift, I can find a use for it but it isn't what I want from my family or friends. If they are going to give me anything, it should show that they care... and if they don't care then they shouldn't give me anything. I don't want to be paid my dues for being a relative, I don't want anyone to feel that they are tied into doing something just because they are tied to me by name or bloodline or circle of friends. That completely misses the point of gift giving in the first place. Nothing emotional is shared, and there is no item in the world I want that can replace an emotional connection.
Conversely, I received a gift from someone that is made from a printed out photograph and office supplies. It has no value, but the photograph was selected and it was made and decorated with care... with me in mind. My friend could have said "I don't have any money" and left it at that, not given me anything. But they cared enough to think of something I'd love and make it themselves. That is a gift that I still cherish. In fact, it sits on my desk and I occasionally pick it up and look at it. The photograph was from time spent with that friend that was crazy good fun, and the memories it brings back are really all that matter.
This year, things have changed a bit. I've begun to seperate the people out of my life that have made it clear they don't genuinely care about me. People who don't value my feelings or pay any attention at all to what matters to me do not have a place in my life. I care about them but my presence isn't helping them and their presence isn't helping me, and it is time we both go our own way. With that having been decided months ago, I've been more and more cheerful as this holiday season has approached. I'm full of holiday spirit for the first time in years, because I've lifted the burden from myself of looking at the holidays as an excersize in spending time with and buying things for people out of duty rather than love.
Everyone who is getting gifts from me this year is getting at least one item that is handmade or modified in some way. Whether its taking a plain article of clothing and adding a design to it so that it's perfect for the recipient, or working on folding hundreds of paper cranes, I think about the person constantly while I make the items. The entire time, I'm imagining how much joy they will get from the item while they hang it, or wear it, or when they see it. I imagine that they will probably have it for years and that it will bring back pleasant memories of our time together, whether we still know each other in the future or if thousands of miles seperate us. I put my love for that person into what I make, and I cannot imagine a greater gift to give to someone than love.
This holiday season, no matter which religion you follow or if you follow none, there are three amazing gifts you can give to the people on your list:
Love
Forgiveness
Compassion
When people want things, it comes from a deeper need - the need to feel special, loved, and understood by those around them. We have been trained to believe that love comes in objects and that the more spent is the more special we are.
Don't buy someone a unicorn figurine just because they like unicorns. That's the easy and kind of thoughtless way out. It's simple to do something that is obvious. It takes little thought, little consideration, little love. It is ultimately meaningless, just another empty moment in time that could have been spent in genuine human connection with someone.
If you can't make something, write something. If you can't find the words, make a mix tape (CD, Ipod, whatever) of songs that do have the words. Spend time with them, make them dinner (or cupcakes!), or - gasp - sit down and talk to them, and do most of the listening! Do something that shows you care in a way that they can feel in their heart. If you don't care that much, you shouldn't be buying gifts just because of duty.
Love, true love, involves sacrifice. That sacrifice isn't always the painful kind, but it means giving some of your time, your effort, or your patience to someone in order to benefit them and bring them joy, peace, and happiness.
None of those things can be bought in a store.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Saturn's Return
The orbit of Saturn around the sun takes about 29 years which places it back in its original place at the time of each person's birth around the time they hit 29 years of age. It happens again at about 58 years old, and for those fortunate enough to keep on going, it continues to cycle into our lives in 29 year increments.
The return of saturn heralds an astrologically recognized phenomenon in our lives; a time period of turmoil and change, a transition between who we've been and who we will become.
Often, between the ages of 28 and 33, we experience a large amount of life change and uncertainty. Many marriages and divorces happen at this age, changes in career, lifestyle, beliefs, and location in the world. This is often the age at which people settle down or unsettle themselves. It can also mean re-nesting, leaving one long term situation to move into another. Fatal drug overdoses and suicides are also common at this time. This is the age when Jesus re-appears in the bible and begins his ministry, being crucified as Saturn moves out of influence.
This time period is a fulcrum point over which we are bent to the breaking point, challenging our psyche to cope, forcing us to make decisions even when we don't know that we are making them. Saturn opens our eyes and sends test after test our way, forcing us to a large choice through a series of smaller innocuous choices.
The big choice:
Saturn places you over the flowing river of an exceptional and tumultuous life, one as full of wonder as it is of uncertainty. A life full of learning and an accerlated path of life lessons. Its a scary thing to see, knowing not where it will take you but that it will take you through many rapids and over waterfalls. Above the river, you're hanging from one of many branches on a tree, a branch that has grown out through the course of your life and is marked by where you've been. The choice you have is to climb onto the branch that makes you feel safe, or let go and fall into the flowing river. For some, the choice is so frightening and difficult that they shut down, and continue hanging precariously over that river. All the while they know that it is there, and the louder it calls the more they cling to that branch and try to close out the sound of the rushing water.
As the Rush song goes, if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.
So about every thirty years, Saturn comes charging back into our lives pushing us to make a decision, and it is a necessary part of the development of our souls.
We are here to grow, to learn to love without limits, to expand the consciousness of the universe as we expand our own. In clinging to the branch, we prevent ourselves from experiencing that growth. Saturn comes around to poke at us and try to wake us up, so that it can ask if we're ready to let go yet. There is no right or wrong of it, we each do what we must in order to carry on. There is only entropy and growth, marching in place or free running through the world.
It's all about risk. When we take chances, when we take risks, we open ourselves up to tripping and falling. We tend to think that tripping or falling are bad things, but it is only through them that we get the most amazing opportunity of our lives, one that shapes us, expands and evolves us into more than we had imagined possible.
Falling gives us the incredible opportunity to stand back up and decide to try again. It's not the failure, it's not the success, it is the experience and the decision itself. It is that moment that forces us to connect emotionally to our very souls and realize that we are more than this body and we are stronger than we thought, and because of that we can push forward. Every time we do this, we knock another tiny brick out of the wall between who we think we are and who we really are.
The strife in life is the most beautiful part of life, it is the pain which brings us opportunity and knowledge and compassion. The harder something is to do, the more worthwhile it is to do because it is the challenge itself that unlocks our potential.
When you see a challenge coming, take a moment to set aside your fear and examine it. If you take that challenge head on knowing that it is there to teach you something, you'll never forget the lessons you learn, but the fear you felt will fade out of memory before you know it.
If you are approaching one of the 29 year cycles in your life, keep a watchful eye out for the changes that begin to happen in your life. It won't be easy, and there will be pain, but it is oh-so-very worth it to let go of everything you're clinging to and see where the river takes you.
The return of saturn heralds an astrologically recognized phenomenon in our lives; a time period of turmoil and change, a transition between who we've been and who we will become.
Often, between the ages of 28 and 33, we experience a large amount of life change and uncertainty. Many marriages and divorces happen at this age, changes in career, lifestyle, beliefs, and location in the world. This is often the age at which people settle down or unsettle themselves. It can also mean re-nesting, leaving one long term situation to move into another. Fatal drug overdoses and suicides are also common at this time. This is the age when Jesus re-appears in the bible and begins his ministry, being crucified as Saturn moves out of influence.
This time period is a fulcrum point over which we are bent to the breaking point, challenging our psyche to cope, forcing us to make decisions even when we don't know that we are making them. Saturn opens our eyes and sends test after test our way, forcing us to a large choice through a series of smaller innocuous choices.
The big choice:
Saturn places you over the flowing river of an exceptional and tumultuous life, one as full of wonder as it is of uncertainty. A life full of learning and an accerlated path of life lessons. Its a scary thing to see, knowing not where it will take you but that it will take you through many rapids and over waterfalls. Above the river, you're hanging from one of many branches on a tree, a branch that has grown out through the course of your life and is marked by where you've been. The choice you have is to climb onto the branch that makes you feel safe, or let go and fall into the flowing river. For some, the choice is so frightening and difficult that they shut down, and continue hanging precariously over that river. All the while they know that it is there, and the louder it calls the more they cling to that branch and try to close out the sound of the rushing water.
As the Rush song goes, if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.
So about every thirty years, Saturn comes charging back into our lives pushing us to make a decision, and it is a necessary part of the development of our souls.
We are here to grow, to learn to love without limits, to expand the consciousness of the universe as we expand our own. In clinging to the branch, we prevent ourselves from experiencing that growth. Saturn comes around to poke at us and try to wake us up, so that it can ask if we're ready to let go yet. There is no right or wrong of it, we each do what we must in order to carry on. There is only entropy and growth, marching in place or free running through the world.
It's all about risk. When we take chances, when we take risks, we open ourselves up to tripping and falling. We tend to think that tripping or falling are bad things, but it is only through them that we get the most amazing opportunity of our lives, one that shapes us, expands and evolves us into more than we had imagined possible.
Falling gives us the incredible opportunity to stand back up and decide to try again. It's not the failure, it's not the success, it is the experience and the decision itself. It is that moment that forces us to connect emotionally to our very souls and realize that we are more than this body and we are stronger than we thought, and because of that we can push forward. Every time we do this, we knock another tiny brick out of the wall between who we think we are and who we really are.
The strife in life is the most beautiful part of life, it is the pain which brings us opportunity and knowledge and compassion. The harder something is to do, the more worthwhile it is to do because it is the challenge itself that unlocks our potential.
When you see a challenge coming, take a moment to set aside your fear and examine it. If you take that challenge head on knowing that it is there to teach you something, you'll never forget the lessons you learn, but the fear you felt will fade out of memory before you know it.
If you are approaching one of the 29 year cycles in your life, keep a watchful eye out for the changes that begin to happen in your life. It won't be easy, and there will be pain, but it is oh-so-very worth it to let go of everything you're clinging to and see where the river takes you.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
My Heartfelt Plea...
When I was too young to understand the actions of others, there was something about me which made me a target to others. Whether my ability to interact with adults, or my beyond-my-years intelligence, or possibly my creative spirit and ability to draw, I unintentionally inspired jealousy in others.
I was teased and tormented by other children, made to feel like there was nothing I could do that would be worthwhile to anyone. I was told a lot that I should just die and that everyone hated me. Worst of all was the reactions to my artwork. Pieces were damaged, destroyed and stolen, joked about or insulted. The more teachers and other adults praised my work and made me an example, the worse it got. My dreams of where I could go with my art were laughed at, and if it wasn't for the constant encouragement of my family, teachers, and some friends, I would probably have given up long ago on my artistic pursuits.
When I was at that age and I talked about the bullying, I was told over and over that it was happening because the other kids were jealous of me. I could never understand what they were jealous of, since they seemed to hate everything about me and nothing I did ever impressed them.
Years later I had an experience that opened up the mystery for me and helped me to understand what was going on when I was younger.
For about seven years I was in a relationship with someone I cared very much about. As I got to know this person, I learned that he had a deeply artistic soul but that he was far too afraid to even complete a piece of artwork for fear that it might not be perfect.
He had grown up with a loving family and yet under a lot of pressure. His mother and other members of his family were creative and artistic, casually creating lovely paintings and occasionally taking art classes. At a young age he frequently would draw and even planned on a career involving art, but something went wrong. For unknown reasons, several of the adults in his life crushed his dreams while he was a teenager. Between that and the desires of his parents for him to go to college and have an impressive job, he gave up on art.
It continued to be a love of his, and he couldn't deny his creativity completely. He'd start on projects but quit before they were completed. Even with a good solid foundation and artwork that was poised to come out beautifully, his doubts would crush his ability to continue and it would begin to collect dust... and finally be filed away somewhere in an attempt to forget.
Encouragement didn't help in anyway, and was met with defiance and insistance that every bit of work was garbage and his skills could never progress to anything more than mediocre. I tried so often to express what amazing potential he had, and how much more skilled he already was than he understood, but my words fell on deaf ears.
While it is painful to know that someone you care about is suffering in this way, what came next twisted our relationship to the point it couldn't be fixed.
Because he had wanted so much and for so long to feel success from creativity but couldn't allow himself to get that far, he harbored tremendous amounts of anger and jealousy towards people who did keep pushing towards success. He wasn't outwardly cruel towards me as my artistic skills progressed and I began to find some success, but with each marker along my path he'd try to congratulate me. I could always see it though, etched into his face and shadowing his eyes - every good thing I was able to do only served to point out what he wasn't able to do.
Even though I was only doing what came natural to me and swimming upstream to try and build a niche for myself in the world, it was as if I had rubbed my triumphs in his face, pointing and laughing at his failures. It progressed to the point that I was afraid of being any more successfull because it was creating a wedge between us. The difference would always be there and could never be erased: I did what I needed to do to get my art out into the world and that felt like a stone in his shoe, constantly reminding him that he wasn't. After coming home from shows or when I'd complete work or sell work, bad moods would roll in and he'd barely speak to me for hours or days. I felt guilty for everything I did.
Eventually the day came when I was frustrated about one of my failed attempts at progressing my audience, and he told me I should just give up. I had grown up with a family who taught me the exact opposite. They always believed in me and never, ever stopped encouraging me. We all have things we don't like about our families, but this is one standout place I cannot fault them in the least. They've always been behind me 200% and even when I'm down they push me to believe in myself. To hear someone telling me that I should give up was a total shock to me. Even with all the nastiness I'd experienced from my peers in school, nothing ever shocked or hurt me like those words. After all the time I'd spent encouraging him and trying to help him have the confidence to try...
I had slowly begun to lose my interest up until this point, and at that moment, I stopped trying for quite a while... all the color drained out of my life.
I ended up walking away from that relationship, and my art has flourished ever since. This story is the foundation that explains what I'm about to say and why I am saying it...
If you have any desire, whatsoever, to pursue something that matters to you... do not be afraid to pursue it. I know that it is scary, I live that fear every day of my life. I have those moments where I hate everything I've drawn or painted or made. I have days where I do something else so that I don't have to think about my art. But most of the time I am in love with my art - flaws and all. And it is flawed. No human is perfect therefore there is no perfect art. Nothing is without flaws and it is those flaws that make what we do unique to each of us.
Don't be so obsessed with perfection that you can't put pencil to paper. It is so much better to draw a million failed drawings to get to the one that you really love than to never even try to draw that image at all.
Please don't give up on yourself. No matter who you are, you have something special to give to this world and we need for you to share that with us. Try, try again, we all fail but try again anyway. Give every attempt your all and in time you'll find that you have more and more and more to give.
For you, for me, for everyone - use your creativity. It is the most beautiful part of every person, and every person has it.
I was teased and tormented by other children, made to feel like there was nothing I could do that would be worthwhile to anyone. I was told a lot that I should just die and that everyone hated me. Worst of all was the reactions to my artwork. Pieces were damaged, destroyed and stolen, joked about or insulted. The more teachers and other adults praised my work and made me an example, the worse it got. My dreams of where I could go with my art were laughed at, and if it wasn't for the constant encouragement of my family, teachers, and some friends, I would probably have given up long ago on my artistic pursuits.
When I was at that age and I talked about the bullying, I was told over and over that it was happening because the other kids were jealous of me. I could never understand what they were jealous of, since they seemed to hate everything about me and nothing I did ever impressed them.
Years later I had an experience that opened up the mystery for me and helped me to understand what was going on when I was younger.
For about seven years I was in a relationship with someone I cared very much about. As I got to know this person, I learned that he had a deeply artistic soul but that he was far too afraid to even complete a piece of artwork for fear that it might not be perfect.
He had grown up with a loving family and yet under a lot of pressure. His mother and other members of his family were creative and artistic, casually creating lovely paintings and occasionally taking art classes. At a young age he frequently would draw and even planned on a career involving art, but something went wrong. For unknown reasons, several of the adults in his life crushed his dreams while he was a teenager. Between that and the desires of his parents for him to go to college and have an impressive job, he gave up on art.
It continued to be a love of his, and he couldn't deny his creativity completely. He'd start on projects but quit before they were completed. Even with a good solid foundation and artwork that was poised to come out beautifully, his doubts would crush his ability to continue and it would begin to collect dust... and finally be filed away somewhere in an attempt to forget.
Encouragement didn't help in anyway, and was met with defiance and insistance that every bit of work was garbage and his skills could never progress to anything more than mediocre. I tried so often to express what amazing potential he had, and how much more skilled he already was than he understood, but my words fell on deaf ears.
While it is painful to know that someone you care about is suffering in this way, what came next twisted our relationship to the point it couldn't be fixed.
Because he had wanted so much and for so long to feel success from creativity but couldn't allow himself to get that far, he harbored tremendous amounts of anger and jealousy towards people who did keep pushing towards success. He wasn't outwardly cruel towards me as my artistic skills progressed and I began to find some success, but with each marker along my path he'd try to congratulate me. I could always see it though, etched into his face and shadowing his eyes - every good thing I was able to do only served to point out what he wasn't able to do.
Even though I was only doing what came natural to me and swimming upstream to try and build a niche for myself in the world, it was as if I had rubbed my triumphs in his face, pointing and laughing at his failures. It progressed to the point that I was afraid of being any more successfull because it was creating a wedge between us. The difference would always be there and could never be erased: I did what I needed to do to get my art out into the world and that felt like a stone in his shoe, constantly reminding him that he wasn't. After coming home from shows or when I'd complete work or sell work, bad moods would roll in and he'd barely speak to me for hours or days. I felt guilty for everything I did.
Eventually the day came when I was frustrated about one of my failed attempts at progressing my audience, and he told me I should just give up. I had grown up with a family who taught me the exact opposite. They always believed in me and never, ever stopped encouraging me. We all have things we don't like about our families, but this is one standout place I cannot fault them in the least. They've always been behind me 200% and even when I'm down they push me to believe in myself. To hear someone telling me that I should give up was a total shock to me. Even with all the nastiness I'd experienced from my peers in school, nothing ever shocked or hurt me like those words. After all the time I'd spent encouraging him and trying to help him have the confidence to try...
I had slowly begun to lose my interest up until this point, and at that moment, I stopped trying for quite a while... all the color drained out of my life.
I ended up walking away from that relationship, and my art has flourished ever since. This story is the foundation that explains what I'm about to say and why I am saying it...
If you have any desire, whatsoever, to pursue something that matters to you... do not be afraid to pursue it. I know that it is scary, I live that fear every day of my life. I have those moments where I hate everything I've drawn or painted or made. I have days where I do something else so that I don't have to think about my art. But most of the time I am in love with my art - flaws and all. And it is flawed. No human is perfect therefore there is no perfect art. Nothing is without flaws and it is those flaws that make what we do unique to each of us.
Don't be so obsessed with perfection that you can't put pencil to paper. It is so much better to draw a million failed drawings to get to the one that you really love than to never even try to draw that image at all.
Please don't give up on yourself. No matter who you are, you have something special to give to this world and we need for you to share that with us. Try, try again, we all fail but try again anyway. Give every attempt your all and in time you'll find that you have more and more and more to give.
For you, for me, for everyone - use your creativity. It is the most beautiful part of every person, and every person has it.
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